Concrete Capitalism

Ok, so I’m gathering that no one really wants to just GIVE me a dollar so I can save up for a new retainer. And that’s cool. I got over it. It took a few days, but I think I’m fully recovered. Booze helps. But booze costs money. You see my dilemma? Anyway, I was thinking about the time I called all of you Communists and how that wasn’t very nice. I shouldn’t have offended the Communist party like that. If you were actually Communists, you would have donated a communal dollar. But you didn’t. (Again, some of you have. When I begin my nudist camp, you’re all on the A list—[at this time we will not disclose what the “A” stands for]).

Last night, while dodging baby strollers, tossing back my skim caramel macchiato, and trying desperately to make it for my 6 p.m. manicure performed by the smallest asian fingers in Noe Valley, it occurred to me what you all really are. You’re capitalists, greedy capitalists.

I was way off. You don’t speak the language of Indie Rock, you don’t understand the meaningful words making up my orange rhyming dictionary, you speak the language of green. You see a bargain, and you take it. And giving a gal a buck to buy a replacement mouthpiece is not a top priority.

I get it now.

So buy my shoe.

The shoe above was created by yours truly when she was a mere sophomore at Penn State University. It was a hard task to accomplish. First, I sculpted my Doc Martin in clay. And that took hours, because I’m anal retentive and totally weird about proportion and size (even my boobs are different sizes, and every day I contemplate cutting them off). This damn shoe took me hours to sculpt (sadly, the clay version [which is sacrificed during the process] was much better that the end result, but you didn’t hear that from me). After creating the clay structure, I covered it in a mesh, wire-like stuff and then covered that in plaster. Now, please understand that this was a long time ago and I’m forgetting every step in this tedious process, but maybe some of you arty people (who I am sure can absolutely NOT spare a dollar) can help me with your knowledge. I know the mesh was put there to eventually help peel off the plaster, but I have no idea why or how we did this. Either way, it worked. I pealed. It split. I put it back together again using more plaster. Eventually, it took on the form of a white, plaster pod. On the outside, it looked like an igloo or like Luke Skywalker’s family hut (before the evil people burned his family and he fled for a life full of following The Force; the force of non-capitalism). We then took this white thing, and we filled it with concrete. Days later, born unto me was a concrete shoe. (Buyer pays for shipping.) My Dr. Martin – the one that took me to England, and walked me all the way across Europe – would now out live me, my ashes, and the Pope.

So buy this shoe. It holds my blood, sweat, and tears. Plus, both my father AND Toby hate it, so you’d be doing them a favor. In fact, I think Toby might buy it so he can throw it out. (Toby can’t buy my shoe.)

Buy my god damn shoe, capitalist monkeys.

20 Comments

  1. Can toby pay for shipping, and the buyer give the shoe to toby?

    mesh

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  2. that is an awesome memorable. don’t sell it and get over your freakin’ retainer already. if my man wouldn’t be all the way over in indiana and i wouldn’t have to seriously save up in order to see him and be with him, i would send you some money just to make you s.. up about it.

    where in europe were you and when was that and were you in germany? germany’s fun. it just rains a LOT.

    ps: thanks – i like your website, too and i wish i knew php…

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  3. I’ll give ya a buck for yer shoe.

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  4. I got to the point in this post where you’re rushing to your MANICURE and I say to myself ‘she’s gettin a friggin MANICURE and wants ME to send her a dollar.

    I might just buy that shoe so I can wear it while I kick your ass.

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  5. oh I breezed right over the manicure part.

    I’ll throw an extra dollar in with DonaldEugene just so he can kick some concrete sense into you.

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  6. If I had time to have read this post earlier because i’m WORKING MY GREEDY CAPITALIST ASS OFF, I also would’ve made fun of you for getting a manicure while asking me for a dollar at the same time. ;)

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  7. Do you guys actually believe that for one god damn capitalistic second I have EVER gotten a manicure? I don’t have nails. I don’t have hands. I have paws!

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  8. hahahaha…yeah, if I had REALLLY thought about it, I would’ve figured that shit out, my hippie, patchouli friend. You can be girly sometimes though. I know it. I’ve seen you in a dress. :)

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  9. I HAVE had a pedicure. Once. It made me feel like a princess—princess mihow. It’s a good thing I’m too chubby now to chew my toenails. Because my fingers are a delicacy under this Communist regime.

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  10. ”…the smallest asian fingers in Noe Valley.” I love that detail.

    BTW: I do a mean french manicure. I’ll give you one when I come out.

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  11. In order to avoid having Kim threaten kick my ass again, can we call it a German Manicure?

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  12. How come none of you Indie Rock bastards told me I used Yellow Rhyming Dictionary instead of Orange Rhyming Dictionary. Someone in Williamsburg, Brooklyn just threw up a little bit in their mouth. And my Indie Rock Badge has been revoked.

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  13. You can get your indie cred back if you can name the bands that each of the four bass playing Kims played in. Plus, I’ll have Simone send you a dollar out of her allowance if you get it right.

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  14. Jawbox. Sonic Youth. Breeders. CRAP!!! Who’s the last one…. gimme a sec

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  15. Interestingly enough, as soon as I read this question, Sonic Youth came on my random “Cool as shit” play list. Now that third kim, poor gal!

    OH!!! I got it! Superchunk!! GIVE ME MY ID BACK!

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  16. Holy shit, I’m a loser.

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  17. Mihow….back to this issue of you and your retainer. Perhaps you never would have needed to have such extensive work done to your lower jaw and teeth had your father not dropped you on the edge of a swimming pool in Wilmington, DE? Not only that….scbob had me destroy the molds for your retainer….BTW—did scbob send you a dollar?

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  18. I think I just developed a stutter.

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  19. We all know how much you really want to fit in to the whole Noe Valley scene: skim caramel macchiato (I just don’t see you as a skim macchiato type), and trying desperately to make it for my 6 p.m. manicure ( I think you were really getting desperate now!!!!). Good luck on selling the shoe! I would put in a bid but I know the Mesh Man of the house would probably not approve. Plus it would just then be one more thing we would have to move whenever we finally do get to buy a house. Or a shack if things keep going the way they are going…….

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  20. so WHAT IS the fourth band now?

    i can’t play bass but i did once in music class in school. which really doesn’t count as a “band” and rob probably din’t mean me anyways.

    btw – i actually am kinda nice, i wouldn’t kick your ass, ever. ;o)

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