Mama don't let your babies grow up to be buck teeth.

When I was a little girl I had a serious overbite. I know the word “serious” doesn’t describe much, so allow me to elaborate using examples.

My Immodest Front Teeth
My top teeth were so arrogant, they did not like the relationship between my bottom lip and my top lip. All those times I waited patiently on the mushroom shaped sofa-circles lining the roller rink, my front teeth would sit on top of my bottom lip totally exposed like a big white awning. Because of this relationship, my bottom lip helped to move my front teeth further and further outward and my lower teeth further and further inward. You know those fake teeth they sell during Halloween? The ones that stick out and are all rotten and whatnot? Those were sort of like my teeth, only mine were white and not rotten. Needless to say, no one ever asked me to skate especially after the unfortunate incident which included a limbo bar and my two front teeth.

Mind The Gap
Alas, the buckness was not my only concern. Not only did I have a huge overbite, but there was a space between my two front teeth. And while this was an awesome bonus feature for inserting quarters, man-handling straws, squirting pool water through, and inserting my tongue between, it was not particularly attractive. However, all were excellent ways to pass the time while dosing off during social studies.

The Depth Of Ugly
My bite was so deep, I could stick my thumb and forefinger, thumbprints touching, and insert them towards the roof of my mouth and still have room to move.

Their Job (aka “Chewing”)
Chewing was not easy. Pizza would fall right out of the front of my face. I would attempt to eat pizza like any normal person, and it would just fall forward, out of my mouth. I imagine it was like feeding pizza to a toothless baby. Only not cute.

A Retrospective Look
Much like how I critique the kerning of signage all over the world, I am pretty sure that my teeth were like a badly kerned T H. From 1980 until 1986, I’m willing to bet money on the fact that any Orthodontist who was unfortunate enough to meet my acquaintance, was thinking “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD FILL IN THE BLANKS! FILL IN THE BLANKS!”

I do not exaggerate.

I’s a good thing I was born with parents who were both vain enough to understand and who had had enough money to help correct me. I went through years of pain and tightening. I wore a retainer every day for over two years at a very early age. It was called a bionator. It was used to move my developing jaw forward, to a more reasonable position. After that was fixed, I was dressed in braces. I wore them for another 4 years.

Let’s just say I went through a lot.

So you can imagine, after this wordy definition of a horribly unattractive overbite, how upset I was when I realized that one of the retainers I wear to keep everything at bay went missing during our move. Below, is a picture of what it looked like. (Please click on the image to enlarge).

The American Health Care system does NOT cover orthodontics. And I have excellent health care. It’s a crying shame they won’t cover this. Today, my mommy called my old orthodontist, (I’m 30, how pathetic is that?) the one who made me the retainers over 10 years ago, and they told her they threw out my molds, therefore, unable to make me a new one.

So I need to get resized. Which means having to bite down on those terribly cold metal molds filled with pink shit that smells like cherries and ass.

This is a cry for help. I am asking for a donation of one dollar in order to replace my missing retainer. If you can’t spare a dollar, please send me unwanted, unused retainers to me and I will see if they fit. After all, the top one is really very lonely. Please, help me finally get that couple-skate I always wanted.

(I’m growing more and more neurotic by the minute).

29 Comments

  1. the idea of people sending you their (allegedly unused) retainers is kinda skeevy.

    you realize, of course, that if we get you a new one, you’ll be expected to post pictures of you wearing it, right?

    smile big for the camera!

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  2. Oh yes, Ok. I can do that. Admittedly, the bit about sending me used retainers is a bit skeevy. You are right.

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  3. I’ll send video, however, because of my lisp.The lips rules.

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  4. Didn’t get my braces until I was 45. I was so proud when they were taken off that I put on my retainers and promptly walked into the super market and ordered “a found of faloney”. No one told me about that part. Good luck, Chele. It’s worth it to get another retainer.

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  5. Notice my own mother didn’t even DENY any of the above. That should be proof enough. I need a new retainer.

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  6. she also didn’t send you a dollar!

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  7. ::shakes fist at sky::

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  8. It’s in the mail!

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  9. i’m on a retainer finding mission. i looked for the retainer in question last night in the bathroom with no luck. i think i need to look again, this time with a flashlite… maybe i should take pictures to document the search. i’ll keep you posted on any leads…

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  10. Any unpacked boxes? You’ll find it the day after you order a new one.

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  11. The only remaining, packed boxes are small, furry and meow a lot.

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  12. Look in your pots.

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  13. Is this like an easter egg hunt? Which pottery? My pottery back east? I will fly there for a dollar. Gladly. Just have to figure out when. hmmmmm

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  14. I’m would love to be able to post photos of the before and after mihow. BTW, I’m the one who talked to your orthodontist. You know mom is afraid of phones. And mpap said pots – not pottery. I think you’re just looking for an excuse to visit DC :)

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  15. i am going home to the parents’ house this weekend and my retainer (when i last saw it) was setting in its case in the middle drawer of the bathroom vanity. if it’s still, there it’s all yours!

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  16. oops… punctuation problem.
    “if it’s still there, it’s all yours.”

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  17. Awesome. I think you’re about my size.

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  18. I think I still have mine around somewhere….Although what exactly would you be doing with it? I too did the whole orthodontist hell. My teeth were so bad they did a case study of mine!!!!!

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  19. Damn, people. I would have better luck getting a buck or two sitting outside the Bart! :]

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  20. maybe if you did a little softshoe with your big floppy paypal hat out on the ground in front of you….

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  21. I don’t have a floppy paypal hat. I can’t afford one. Maybe if I had a dollar I could buy one? Ahh, it’s a conundrum.

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  22. “a little softshoe with your big floppy paypal hat…” that gives me an idea:

    mihowAID!! ™

    I’ll play Foggy Mountain Breakdown on the banjo and I’m sure other folks would donate their time and talent too.

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  23. Can I dance? I’ll dance. With my expanding overbite, it’ll be a real big treat indeed. I’ll even wear pigtails. (Suddently the word pigtails seems way wrong. Is it pigtails? That’s weird. Why would a gal wanna wear something like pigtails over their ears? does that make my ear a pighole? I am losing my mind over here. someone send me some summer).

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  24. Yup, Mihow, break out the Garageband software and sing us a little retainer tune.. : )

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  25. Now that’s an awesome idea. lana, you’re a bloody genius.

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  26. DonaldEugene, do you actually play the banjo? that’s badass!

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  27. he does but only when wearing his chaps.

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  28. Hi Mihow:

    What a great idea. Have you gotten any used retainers yet? I”m wondering if you can send me the ones that don’t fit you. I have a teenage daughter who needs a retainer really bad, but I can’t afford it right now.

    Thanks,
    Lisa

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  29. Hello: Thats really good idea.I know how u feel, cause i have a pretty big overbite too.i read ur story and it almost made me cry.i get made fun alot but i dont really care.i was supposed 2 get braces when i was 9 but now im already 14 goin on 15.sucks but the worst part is that some people think they should feel sorry 4 me which is the last thing i want.i wish they would pity someone else 4 a change but i really hope it works out 4 u!

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