Last night Toby and I went out for dinner with Keith and Marjorie. Keith has a PhD in Philosophy from Columbia University. Marjorie is a doctor. Toby is a programmer. I am a graphic designer. This information is totally irrelevant.

Last night, after we had dinner, the three of us headed over to The Reef for a few adult beverages. It’s not often that I look at the contents of my life and think “I wish I could have done that instead” or “I would have liked to have been more like that person.” I’m pretty happy with everything. I have been handed opportunities for 30 years and am so grateful for each and every one of them. But I have to admit there’s just something about Marjorie that makes me think, “Man, I wish I could spend a week visiting her life.”

It’s rare we get to see the lovely Marjorie as she is always working nights. But it’s those same nights which deliver her so many unbelievable stories as well. And no matter what we do or where we go, somehow, Marjorie ends up telling us a story or two. Last night, she took us to the OBGYN at a hospital in Atlanta.

Marjorie told us the story about “The Stank.” It involved a very obese woman, a little oral sex and some old hamburger meat. There was the story about making ten bucks with two fives, a woman’s vagina deposit box, and a McDonald’s lunch paid for with a fiver directly withdrawn. There was the story about a self-proclaimed straight gay man and a long lost pointy tool. All the while she spoke, I listened in absolute horror, fascination dripping from my face, thinking, “What I wouldn’t do to be given another life and grow stories like this!!”

• lesbians
• webbed feet
• french kissing
• hot legs
• gay porn
• self suck
• hot lady
• banana peel rectum
• interpol
• thong butts
• amy legs
• lady legs
• asian kids
• legs hot
• young penis
• urban decay
• tindersticks
• pee pants
• poop stories
• reading man

So, today as I’m checking my stats for the first time in days, I discover my latest search strings and they bring me a little horror. They always do. I used to write poetry with them, operating under the concept:

If you can’t beat ‘em. Join ‘em.

Now, I just sort of look at them like those little memories I pretend aren’t real or would ever actually admit to. Sometimes, I wonder why people look for the things they look for. Take, for example, “Banana Peel Rectum”. What sort of information was this person actually seeking? Surely, they were disappointed once reaching Depot de la Mihow. I just don’t offer that type of service.

And I pass judgment on them. I have to admit. Especially the person looking for “Young Penis.” Wha? Are you sick? Or do you have a long lost lover with the last name Young?

So, today as I hovered over google.com’s search box, with the keys making up the phrase “Finding my Wa” burning my fingertips, I simply discover the cure to the world’s weird wonderment. I know what will turn my search strings into Rated-G material. Everyone, and I mean everyone, needs a little Marjorie.