Tonight, I meet Toby’s sister, her husband and their baby. If they don’t like me, I will surely freak. (I’m thinking booze, booze will help). I’m nervous. Why am I so nervous? Ugh. I’m not really going to drink my head silly circles, up my chances of making a TOTAL ass out of myself, but I’m thinking of finding the biggest jerk I can on my way to meet them so I’ll fall to the wayside, and be able to freak silently, ignored. So later he can say,

Hey S____, what did you think of Michele?

And she’ll answer,

Hmmmmmm I don’t remember her much, but that other person was a TOTAL asshole.

Anyone know anyone like that in the area? I’ll pay for their time. (Bonus cash if they make jokes about southern inbreeding and know all the lyrics to Georgia on my mind).


  1. freak.

    you’ll see.

    no one is as chill or rude or socially ignorant as my family.

    we don’t give a shit who burps or cusses or fights at the dinner table – just don’t you spill my iced tea, or you might end up dead.


  2. I have an uncle (actually, my dad’s cousin) who tried to SELL us his cheapo little perfumed ceramics during Easter dinner. While we were EATING, ferfucksake!!! Made his poor son (who’s beginning to take after him quite a bit) demonstrate the foul-smelling stuff and put us off our food. I’ll ship him out to you tonight…we totally don’t need him around here. He’s vulgar and racist, too. Will that suit your purpose? Absolutely no charge to you. (I think I wrote about him before.)

    In all seriousness, though, you’ll have a great time…I was so scared to meet Remy’s family, but they loved me with all my flaws. It will be the same for you! But you can still have my uncle.


  3. Is it too late to volunteer? I can really be an excellent asshole.


  4. dear god

    too bad i’ve been in dc… NO ONE makes a total ass of themself more than I can. And, i’m not just the biggest asshole I know—i’m the biggest asshole everyone i know knows.

    next time. i promise.


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