I woke up blue, what can I say. Dreams about Robin Williams taking over Toby’s mind. My friend Danielle is finally moving to Texas and I have not called her since February or March. And I had dream about running into her the day before her departure (which I know is June, I just have no idea when, but it’s in June). Standing on a street in NYC wanting to say,

Wait, let’s talk. I know you’re leaving tomorrow but there must be some way we can make the past few months go away and keep in touch now. Oh yeah, and I’m sorry. I am sorry for not calling. Why haven’t you?

But instead I just say,

Bye. Take care. Be careful and I will miss you.

And I really mean it (in the dream).

Some of the choices I have made and some of the things I have done I feel quite strong about at the time in which they are happening. And I was sure I had done the right thing. And days after it happens or the days following it’s right there, and I might think about it nearly every other minute and feel good about it. And then weeks and months go by and it becomes more faint perhaps I only think about it when their a name is mentioned or I glance at an old email and I wonder if the friendly voice written there will ever be used with my name above it ever again. But it does go away. (Somehow). And then BAM! you have a dream and you’re right back where you started. Only this time doubtful and sort of sad.

I never intended for it to be quite this way, some way, yes, but not this way. How much is too much time before it’s just too late to explain? The dream sits on my head rather strongly. It’s 8:30 a.m. and nothing has happened yet today. Perhaps after some coffee and a bagel I won’t feel this way at all.