First off, I’d like to apologize for using my blog to announce this. Many of you deserve an email or a phone call. But my head hasn’t been in the best place for the last few months. So, please forgive me for doing it the easy way.
Ready?
We are expecting our third baby in March. I know! I was surprised as well. Believe me. This pregnancy wasn’t planned. We were totally done having kids. And given my history with infertility and loss, I didn’t think this was even possible, especially at 39. But. Here we are…
Truth be told, I’ve been worried about telling anyone about this pregnancy. You see, I’ve been unbelievably sick this time around. And the nausea and persistent vomiting has left me horribly depressed. And since I had to stop running, my depression worsened. Running cheers me up. And I can’t do it. I tried for the first two months, but it became too difficult. So, I stopped.
I’ve been feeling very confused about this pregnancy. Being this sick all the time has made me miserable. And because I’ve been so sick, it’s been difficult for me to experience joy, which is insane and makes me very angry with myself. How can I be anything less than ecstatic given everything I went through in the past? Anyway, I’m hoping that some of this is hormonal and will soon pass. Either way, Michele from 2009 would feel a great deal of anger toward this Michele. (And this Michele probably deserves that.)
Given how sick I’ve been, and the fact that Toby works a lot, I haven’t been able to take very good care of our kids. And things were getting worse instead of better. So, about six weeks ago, we decided that I should take the boys and stay with my parents for a while—just until this unrelenting nausea lets up. Thankfully, I have a wonderful family who has been simply amazing. Not sure where we’d be without them.
So, we’re having a baby! And I found out just last week via CVS it’s a little boy. And the last several days I have experienced some much needed calmer waters. The nausea let up a bit. For the first time in 12 weeks, I have felt closer to normal. The excess saliva, the incessant nausea and the metallic taste in my mouth let up a bit and I saw joy again. I saw myself again. And then it finally occurred to me: HOLY SHIT! WE ARE HAVING A BABY!
I’m not dying. I’m not diseased. I an not fat and useless. (Well, I feel that way. All that weight I lost? It’s back. But, I’ll lose it again. I have to.) I will run again. I am NOT going to feel this way forever. Thank goodness.
Things have been better the last couple of days.
On top of welcoming a new human creature into our lives, we’re also leaving Brooklyn. After 14 years (minus the two spent in DC and San Francisco) we are leaving. We need a larger home. We simply can’t afford to stay in Brooklyn. We’ve outgrown our 900 square foot apartment. And Em is six. Moving will become increasingly more difficult for him as he gets older. (I know this firsthand.) But as sad as it makes me to leave Brooklyn, it’s time.
We close on our new (and first!) home in Maplewood, New Jersey next week.
We will have a yard. And FOUR bedrooms.
Lastly, I need to thank many of you. A few weeks ago, I hit an all-time low. I was coming off a two-day bender throwing up and spitting into a bucket full of tissues. I was exhausted and I felt like a failure as a mother. It was bad—really, really bad. I was alone at the time and I took it to Twitter. And so many of you reached out to me that day. And it helped. So, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you for reaching out to me.
(Thank you: Heather H., Sarah B., Dianne, Lessa, Sara S., Neil, Isabel, Sarah, Amanda, Nicole, Anne, Natalie… and I’m sure I’m forgetting someone here. But thank you too.)
So, Internet. We are having a baby! Our third baby boy. And I’m terrified. Excited! But also terrified. Three kids? I’m not even sure I knew what I was doing with two. :] Anyway, I hope the second trimester will prove better for me, because the first one? It was a doozy.
Feel free to ask me questions. Feel free to tell me this will get easier, this nausea. Or tell me it won’t. And for those of you with three kids, lay it on me. What do I need to know going from two to three? How do I keep the middle child from becoming crazy?
(Lastly, for those of you reading this who are suffering from infertility and loss, I think about you every day. I know this doesn’t help. And I understand how difficult it is, but I want you to know how much I care and understand. And… well, words fail me. But I think about you and you’re not alone even when you feel that way.)
Yay! I am so happy for you! Congrats to you and your growing family!
I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!
(*crying happy tears*)
What awesome news – Hugs to all of you!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxxxoox
I’m so happy for you and your family. It will be a time of great change, and I wish you the best and as many smooth transitions as possible.
Also, it’s so good that you have family around you. I know it might be tough, but try to give yourself a break. Maybe you could think of the inner you as your own daughter for a while. What would you want to tell her if she was feeling how you’re feeling. That has helped me be kinder to myself at times when I couldn’t seem to get out of my own head.
Much love, Michele. There’s a lot of love out here for you.
Congrats! Hope you continue to feel better + the move to NJ goes smoothly!
Wow it’s Changeapalooza over at your place! I am excited for you and wishing you all the easiest of transitions.
I happen to think you are fabulous and inspiring. This is why I keep up with you via blog and twitter.
Big “thank you” hi fives to your parents from me.
Congrats!
I had that horrible, crushing nausea with my first, so I get it. I get the conflicting emotions and really bad thoughts. I get the feelings of hopelessness and anger. This will pass. You will feel better again soon.
Yay for another baby boy! And yay for a new house! And yay for parents who will help you out! Yays all around!
Congratulations!! I’ve been reading your blog since before you were even married; I feel oddly like I “know” you and couldn’t be happier for your wonderful family! I hope that your second trimester and new life in NJ are nothing but joy.
Wow! I could have written this article! I was 36 when I found out that I was unexpectedly expecting baby #3. Having gone through infertility and a lot of treatment to get my twin boys, this was a shocker. I went through a brief period of depression during the pregnancy even when I kept reminding myself of the old me who was begging for a baby. I shared the same feelings as you and I was very sick throughout the pregnancy. Three boys for us and a move. I can tell you this – boy #3 has changed all of us for the better. Every one of us adore him. This sounds cheesy but we didn’t know we didn’t know that our family wasn’t really complete until he came along. We are complete now!
Thank you for that, Nancy! I was hoping to hear stories like yours. I’ve been more depressed than I’ve ever been before. And that has been surprising and annoying. So thank you.
Oh my gosh how awesome! Another boy to add to your brigade :)
I’m so sorry that you’re going through such hard times with this pregnancy. I can’t give you any advice on pregnancy but I can give you advice on being in a dark place and wondering when it will end. Extreme nausea sucks and I’ve been there from chemo. I found that sucking on hard candy, like your awesome ginger lollipops, made the metallic taste go away but sadly nothing helped the excess saliva.
I KNOW things will get better for you and I wish I could take away the nausea and sadness you have and make the sun shine in. Sending you all hugs and love and sunshine rays. xo
As with you my third was a complete surprise, and i was INSANELY sick from day one, until the day she came out…
It does get better, and just like any other kid, it gets worse, and then better again…
The only thing i have to say that is different with 3 than with 2, is you don’t have enough hands to grab them all, you get even less sleep, and the messes OH THE MESSES!!! But on the other side of that leaf, even more smiles, and laughter, and hugs and kisses, one more chance to watch a little part of you grow into something spectacular!
I am so glad i came across this blog post. I haven’t been to the Place in such a long time, but i still feel a great connection to many of you wonderful women! <3
Congratulations! I turned 38 in June and we decided our girl needs a sibling. But I’m terrified it will take me 3+ years again. You give me hope!
Congratulations Michele (and family). As a long time reader through this space I’m happy to hear your news. All of it!
So many boys!
After a really tough year post baby loss (for which I am still thankful to have your archives to lean on), I’m almost 39 weeks pregnant with another boy. I am so thankful to have left that nausea behind and am glad that you’re in the upswing. It’s so draining!
Take care,
Kate
Michelle! Couldn’t be more happy for you. So excited…and thrilled that you’re (hopefully) past the worst of it now. You deserve all the great things coming your way.
Congratulations! I was very, very sick with my daughter until 16 weeks and then it stopped and I became myself again. I never got back to running while pregnant but I was not as dedicated as you before baby, so I don’t think that means anything. As an infertile hoping to adopt #2, cut yourself some slack. After everything you went through, a surprise pregnancy that is this rough deserves whatever emotions you are feeling. Good for you for reaching out to family and doing the best thing you could for your boys. Best of luck!! :)
Congratulations! I am so happy for you and hope the illness wears off!
I am so giddy for you, I can hardly contain myself. I skipped over all of the comments so I’m sure I’m repeating what everyone else has probably already said but YEAH! for fate. and chance. and life. Congratulations and wishing you all nothing but the best.
Congratulations on the baby and your move! I live in Maplewood and recommend it highly – please shout if you’d like to reconnect (after all these years) for a play date, town tips, or visit to St. James’s Pub. :)
Bethany! Email me. I’d love to meet up again. Wondering if we will live close by! That’d be pretty awesome. It’s been years!
I didn’t know you lived there. I have a feeling that I’m gonna find a lot of old friends live there. Looking forward to it!
Kate! So happy to hear you’re expecting a baby. And any day now! Not to rush this along, but I can’t wait until I’m further along. I can’t take much more of this sickness. Anyway, so happy for you. I think about you often and I’m really pleased to read this update.
Everyone! Thank you. I would love o hear more stories about how morning sickness goes away. And when. ;)
OMGOMGOMG!!!!!!! That is all.
Srsly. Congratulations!!!!
Congratulations! This is all very exciting news. I hope the sickness wears off- a close friend just had her third boy, and she was horibly ill until about 14-15 weeks. Fingers crossed yours miraculously disappears as well!
Congratulations!!! I’m so happy for you and your family. For what it’s worth, I’m one of three and my middle-child brother is not crazy. :)
Congratulations, friend. I speak from experience that three is an EXCELLENT amount of kids. :) I’m sorry the first 12 weeks were so dreadful, but here’s to an uneventful final two trimesters. :) And good luck on the move! EEK!
I remember and still pop in every once in a while. Hugs and chin up. I’m glad the sickness has lifted a bit. I threw up for 9 months with Mak and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Thinking of you.
Congratulations Michele! So so happy for you. I’m sending you lots of warm and feel-better vibes. xo
Zoot! Good to know! Also, can you please reassure me that I will one day run again? Please? I’m so sad!
Sharlene! Your site is wonderful! I love the look. Super work, woman!
Becca: thanks! And everyone else, thank you! I feel OK today! But I probably shouldn’t say that out loud or write it as I will probably feel like shit again in 3,2,1…
Congrats! So excited for you. A new house & a new baby! As one of three kids, I think three is the perfect number. With my little girl, I was terribly sick until about 16 weeks and it was gone by 20 weeks. Hopefully, you are already through the worst of it. Don’t beat yourself up about anything you feel – just feel it & know that things will get better, especially once the nausea subsides…
Congratulations on both your third son and the new home. How exciting! I hope you continue to feel better. Looking forward to reading your new posts and seeing pics of your home.
I have three boys too. They are 8, 6, and 3. They are my whole heart and every reason I’m sometimes crazy. I cannot imagine my life any other way – raising these boys who will hopefully become tender, gentle, kind, caring, men. Serious business.
And it’s like, balls and wieners, all the time. And maybe some fire and trains and dirt and bugs thrown in for good measure.
Good for you, good for them. Brothers, all brothers, that’s really something special. Congratulations.
Sara! Thanks for that comment! It reads like poetry. And makes me feel unbelievably special. Much thanks. So much thanks.