This pregnancy has been a lot different than the one I had with Emory. For starters, I’m wearing my fat a lot higher. Did this happen to anyone else? I’ve heard that second pregnancies tend to show faster, but this is silly. It’s as if all of my body fat got evicted and migrated north, settling directly under my boobs, like an aggregation of bloated hobos looking for shade.
I don’t yet look pregnant, instead I look like I’m wearing a padded, bulletproof vest. But I have boobs! And thanks to my progesterone levels (which are so high my doctor asked if I’ve been taking progesterone supplements; I’m not.) my boobs are on the large side. The good news for them, I guess, is that they have a shelf of fat to rest on whenever they get tired or my bra gives out. I’m ready to move into a muumuu. And believe me, there are stores lining Manhattan Avenue in Greenpoint that specialize in selling just that.
I’m not wearing this pregnancy very well. And just to kick myself further down the self-loathing ladder, I went and compared this 15-week belly with the one I had with Em. And: ugh. It ain’t pretty.
Toby has been reminding me lately, whenever I complain about how horrible I look or how can he stand to look at me right now, that my hormones are all wacky and I’m being too hard on myself. Granted, sometimes he’ll throw in the bit about not buying the big bag of BBQ potato chips, which I asked him to do, but dude, you try telling a pregnant woman she can’t eat that certain something.
But he’s right. I need to lay off the chips and food in general. Not only because I’m putting on more and more weight, but because every time I eat, I feel like complete and total ass. It’s a catch-22. I feel my best on an empty stomach. But as soon as I introduce food into my stomach, it’s all over. I’m down for the rest of the day or until I find myself starving again.
And that terrible taste in my mouth after eating—will it EVER go away? With Emory I had an excessive amount of saliva and a terrible taste for a few weeks, maybe a month. This time? There’s no end in sight and it’s worse! I’ve gargled with salt water, brushed my teeth after every meal. I’ve tried different types of food. I’ve tried not eating. I’ve tried new vitamins. I have googled every remedy out there. Nothing works. And I hate gum, but I’m chewing that as well.
I am grateful for this pregnancy, elated. And up until very recently I wouldn’t let myself complain about being pregnant because the alternative is far, far worse. So instead of talking about it, I’ve been internalizing everything.
So, earlier this week whenever I went in for my 14-week checkup, I got myself so worked up, convinced bad news awaited, my usual even and low blood-pressure was high. When the nurse asked me if I was nervous, I just looked at her and shook my head in defeat.
Nervous isn’t the word I would have used. Fucking terrified is more like it.
Here’s the deal: I want to enjoy this pregnancy completely and part of that enjoyment comes from being able to complain about it. And I’d love to have my innocence back in order to do so. With that innocence I would feel OK complaining about how sick I feel. Instead of thinking about the infertile girl who promised she wouldn’t ever complain about being pregnant if she could just get pregnant, I’d feel OK bitching about the nausea, the weight gain, the spit and the horrible taste in my mouth. I’d allow myself to complain about the nipple pain, the insane boob-itch, the joint ache, the dizziness, the heightened sense of smell that leaves me gagging.
Innocence allows for all of this.
When my doctor put the sonogram device to my stomach, the baby’s heartbeat was right there. It was solid, steady and fast. And the little Gangsta was moving around just like Ndugu used to.
So, screw it. I’m letting myself complain out loud today.
I feel terrible. I feel sick. The taste in my mouth is just awful. I feel fat and gross and I’m sick of the summer. I just want to curl up on the couch with my Kindle or iPhone, read the news, moan and NOT eat BBQ potato chips or drink Bubble Tea.
You go and complain all you want!
It’s music to my ears!
Whoa, what is wrong with bubble tea!? We call it boba tea out here, but I am pretty sure it is the same thing. It is a meal in a glass!
It’s like the most caloric drink on planet earth. If you get the ones that taste awesome. But that didn’t stop me. I drank so many of them at the beginning of this pregnancy the thought of them these days kind of makes my stomach turn. Which is good. Since I was putting away at least one a day. Sometimes two.
Otherwise, drink up! I love those little balls of yum!
wonder if it’s maybe a girl and that is why you are carrying differently?
I know exactly what you mean about migrating fat, Mine is all on top of my ribs and I am 13 weeks pregnant. I started wearing maternity pants with the big panel which seems to mold the fat into some semblance of a preggo belly.
Please don’t respond.
I’m so happy that you’re pregnant. I’m so happy that everything is going well.
Please wear your belly and boobs and fat with pride. Love the feeling sick. Our daughter was stillborn 7 weeks ago. So, please, take every moment of feeling like crap, and love it.
A cure for the filling like crap—1 cup hot water with grated fresh ginger, 1 tble of honey, and lemon.
Best wishes for an amazing journey, and congrats.
Amy: I love that big panel. Although, sometimes I think about tucking it into my bra for better support.
MommaA: I feel like this one is a boy, but we’ll see soon enough!
anon: Believe me. I am pregnant, chubby and proud. After one miscarriage and a year’s worth of infertility treatments, I am grateful beyond words.
I know you said not to respond, but I can’t not. I’m sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine. And I’m sorry.
sometimes I wear two panels :) the one you can buy separate and wear under your regular pants until they don’t fit ( even when undone), and the giant maternity panel pants…that way it covers all the way from the top of fat mountain, to the bottom of pelvic bulge place :)
Dude, one of the best parts of being pregnant is complaining! It’s a right of passage–don’t deny yourself!
I completely relate to the food issues. This whole pregnancy I keep thinking I have a bad relationship with food. I’m either ravenous or so full I feel like I have to go lie down and “rest my belly.” And oh, the heartburn. My god, I had forgotten.
Hang in there. Just b/c it took a while to get pregnant and just b/c you’re grateful for it doesn’t mean you forfeit your right to complain about it! The purpose of getting pregnant is to have a child–not being pregnant in and of itself. So in my book it’s OK if you don’t love every minute (or any minute) of the pregnant part!
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To Anon, I am so very sorry. I know how precarious pregnancy can be and despite my complaints, I will not take it for granted. I wish you peace.
So, comparing notes, you seem to be doing about as well as I am! I too have the huge boobs (which I’m actually not happy about because they were large to begin with) and the constant bad taste in my mouth, nausea, and other miscellaneous ailments. I work full-time and that makes it doubly hard to deal with, on top of it being 100 degrees outside everyday. I thought by now I’d be feeling better, I mean sheesh, I’m 15 weeks and last time I felt great at this point. I think its just that this is not our first pregnancy and the fact that we are older than we were the first time. Maybe it will get better soon!
Hah, when you said it, I remember having that taste in my mouth as well this time, but guess what, it’s gone now.
I’m 5 days ahead of you, so there’s still hope.
Or, actually, I’m a week ahead. Because pregnancy here is 40+2 weeks, but pregnancy in the US is 40 weeks even.
Anyway, I’ve been pregnant several times before, and I already have a belly, it’s tiny and low, but it’s there. I’m not flat anymore. I’m mostly trying to enjoy it, but sometimes I’m thinking “where will this end”. I could easily hide it until week 23/24 last. Not so much time time I’m thinking.
And that is with my 22 lb. weight loss in about 7 weeks. Yeah, that’s right. So I know it’s not fat, but baby.
This post was great to read!
Yup I’m pregnant with my 3rd and definitely wore my fat higher at the beginning. I’m now 15 weeks and looking pregnant rather than just like I ate a baby ;) Oh and I feel much different, tired, sick etc. Everyone tells me its cause I’m older.. Pisses me off cause I’m 31 and never thought that was considered older! LOL Have a fun pregnancy!
oh yes, the fat came quickly for me this 2nd time around. my arms, back fat, lower belly, ugh. i only have 13 weeks left to go, thank goodness.
i also had the yucky taste in my mouth, with both pregnancies, and it SUCKS so i feel for you. around week 20 it seemed to be gone. i hope yours goes away. it ruins the most delicious food. no savoring any of those bbq chips!