I anticipated a rough week. And I could probably sum this post up in one sentence but that would be too easy. And this is a blog, blog posts are supposed to take up pages and pages of words before making one small point.
And so!
Emory had his first half day of school this week. They were to spend the half day in their classroom while we sat in a room down the hall, waiting there just in case there were any serious meltdowns. (You know, the ones that last longer than a specific amount of time and include a consistent and high level of desperation.)
Emory has been with me since the day he was born. I don’t have a babysitter, although, my mother watches him sometimes. I haven’t used a nanny, nor have I used a daycare. It’s been him and me from day one.
I anticipated a great deal of anxiety from him. I readied myself for a long few weeks of crying and screaming and carrying on. I readied myself for the worst.
There was one time that he was roughly 8 months of age, Toby Joe and I visited a gym where they have a daycare. For five bucks an hour, you can work out and drop your kid off while you work out
Ten minutes went by before a woman came to collect us. He had had a full-fledged meltdown.
And so I anticipated that sort of reaction from him. And I’m sure that by now you’ve already guessed the outcome.
It was WORSE THAN HORRIBLE.
ha! Just kidding!
It was perfect! Emory did amazingly well. He adjusted immediately. The only tears took place the very first day whenever I returned to the room. I think he was startled by all the parents, who crashed through the door unannounced and all at once. When he saw my face, he broke down. But the best part was how he walked up to me with both his arms open. I got the best hug ever. (Emory is not very affectionate, much to his parent’s dismay.)
Today went really well too. There was no crying at all this time around, even when I returned to collect him. He seemed to have a blast and his teachers said he’s doing exceptionally well with adjusting. I left bursting with joy and relief.
On Monday we can drop them off for the full day, or stick around if we want to. I anticipated having to transition him for a bit longer. But I’m thinking now that that’s probably not going to be the case. Which means my “free time” begins next week.
Keep in mind, that many of us “stay-at-homes” gave up full time careers the moment we had children. I discussed this today with another mother, who happens to be the main caregiver at their home. Our husbands went back to work right after our sons were born. They have had time to themselves (good or bad) and continued doing what they were doing before. The stay-at-home gives all of that up. We no longer have regular alone time. We all but forget what it’s like. In a sense, we lose a little bit of ourselves. At least temporarily.
When I realized that starting next week I will have a set number of hours to myself, I felt a little nauseous.
What am I going to do with this time?
I once compared motherhood to being on house arrest and I received criticism for it. (Granted, I also received a lot of comments and email from people agreeing with said sentiment). It’s obviously not entirely true and I don’t think that way all the time, but the alienation and the difficulty at which one can come and go is pretty on.
That comparison resurfaced again today.
I have heard that some people released from solitary confinement get into trouble the very day they are set free. (I think there is even a term for this.) They have been inside for so long, they no longer have any idea how to cope with the outside world, or who they were before that time. Whether it’s conscious or not, they simply freak out.
What will I do next week? I have been asking myself this repeatedly.
I will probably pace around outside, waiting to go pick him up so I can hug him, cuddle him, kiss his wonderful pink cheeks. I will think of all the things I can make him for dinner, buy him, bake for him. I will think about reading to him.
(My goodness, do I ever love this person.)
Truth be told, I don’t want to be “free” ever again. Imagining a world without my son is a world I want no part of. Yes, I am very excited that I will have a given number of hours all to myself every week, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t also make me a little uneasy.
First of all I have to say that you have the most adorable blue eyed boy I have ever seen. This picture is beautiful, actually all your pics are beautiful. What camera are you using? I have to congratulate you for going through this successfully. I am contemplating the thought of putting my son in nursery school part time just to get some time off for me to draw the line and find out who am I and what have I become. It’s a scary thought though because he’s 20 months old and like you I have never left him off with anyone else. I am sure he’d be fine, not so sure about me. So good luck, enjoy your free time and be sure Emory is having a great time making new friends and exploring new things.
I hope that on the first day you will luxuriate with a delicious beverage, a movie, a nap, a good book, random internet surfing all entirely guilt free. You can wait for the second day (or second week!) to start working out your plan of attack. Have fun! Glad it’s going smoothly.
Honestly? If my husband won’t scold me for it, I think I might see one movie. And then yes, it’s full speed ahead.
BTW: It always seems to me that I am complaining on here. I am sorry if that’s the case. Sometimes I think, “OH! I can’t write that!” And then I remember all the times that someone said something to me, or wrote something (especially at the beginning) that made me feel so much better and less alone.
It’s funny. I come back to this a lot. I started this blog 8 years ago because I wanted to write stuff down that may make even one person feel less lonely. And i keep coming back to it. The funny thing is, so many people who visit here have been that person to me! And I hope that sometimes when I write something that could come off as slightly surprising or cringe-worthy it also makes someone feel less alone.
Not sure if that makes sense.
I think I’m over-thinking this again.
I’m so glad to hear Emory had a great time at daycare! Yay!!
I agree with Kizz, take a day to just do some things for yourself and relax a bit. Parents that stay at home basically spend their entire day serving everyone else’s needs, putting the things that we need off to the side, to be thought about later when we have time, which invariably hardly happens. Take some time to just sit and have a latte, read a magazine, people watch, shop without the urgency that overtakes you when you have an impatient toddler with you. Have fun!
A side note: my 18-month old girl loves to watch Emory and his broom hollering at the contruction workers, and laughs out loud at Murray’s antics with the snowflakes and kitchen floor sliding. So, your blog has a couple of readers here. One small and one tall. ;-)
Hooray for adaptable little ones!
You’ll find stuff to do with your time away…and don’t you feel guilty about it!!! Being a mother does not mean giving up your identity…it just means adapting your roles a bit. Go be Michele. It took a while for me to find my old self again after returning to work, but I swear…I have never felt more in touch with myself in my life. I value myself more, if that makes sense. Emory will be best with a mother who lives life to the fullest. Enjoy your time, hon. I wish I could come out there and buy you a beer and a movie ticket. :)
Congratulations on the daycare adjustment. Sounds like it is going well. I have to say, I am still a little envious. Enjoy your time alone. It will make you an even better mom when you are with Em. Find that great book you’ve wanted to read, the movie you’ve wanted to see or the nap you’ve desired and could not get. And try not to feel too bad or anxious, it will ruin your time.
Congratulations on the daycare adjustment. Sounds like it is going well. I have to say, I am still a little envious. Enjoy your time alone. It will make you an even better mom when you are with Em. Find that great book you’ve wanted to read, the movie you’ve wanted to see or the nap you’ve desired and could not get. And try not to feel too bad or anxious, it will ruin your time.
Hi,
Wasn’t sure where to post this, but I saw a twitter about difficult BM’s – been there! So far, our wonder cure is chamomile tea. Make a batch, chill and let him drink – Henry likes the taste. It’s the cure all for every ailment, actually – digestion, cuts and more.
Also if you want to help him more, pro-biotics in powder form also turn a cranky, straining, stopped up guy into a well oiled poop machine.
Good luck!
Joey
You must be so proud of your wee man. He is about as pretty as babies get – or maybe he’s too old to be “pretty,” maybe now I should say HANDSOME!
My husband and I spent our first weekend away from our 8 month old this past weekend – he stayed with his grandparents. It took one full day for me to stop checking the clock to see if it was naptime – lunchtime – sleeptime. I looked for him constantly. Ramping down the parental radar is HARD.
So happy for you that he did well! I have had quite a lot of time to myself since, well, November (pesky economy) and I have to say, I haven’t watched any TV, gotten a haircut, gone to the dentist, or basically done anything on my to-do list (other than update and send out resumes). You know what I do? Clean the house! How boring am I? But I have to admit that I do love having a clean house, so I guess you can count that as a luxury!