Yesterday was the worst day yet for me emotionally. I cried for the majority of the afternoon. I was crying when Tobyjoe came home from work. I cried after he got home. And I cried during dinner.
I felt worse for a few reasons. My brother, who has lived in Brooklyn for as long as I have, left for China. He’s not sure if or when he’s coming back. He lived in the apartment I lived in when I first moved to New York. And for some reason even its vacancy makes me cry. I didn’t even get to say goodbye being wrapped up in my own life – bummed me out greatly. Another chapter closed.
My mother left yesterday after three weeks of keeping me/us company and reassuring me every five minutes that Emory is going to be OK. The house is empty. And I am free to cry more often. So yesterday the moment she left, that’s exactly what I did. I cried.
For some inexplicable reason, Schmitty’s death, which took place on April 21st, has come back to haunt me, like, it hit me going 4,000 MPH. From behind. Twice. I feel as though I gave up on him, let him die. It’s emotional vomit – gibberish – but I think about him all the time now. I would give almost anything to snug on him again.
So, there’s that. That could have something to do with yesterday’s funk.
In other news, Emory had his second pediatric appointment today. He has put on an entire pound since being born. He’s now 8 pounds 12 ounces. I was so proud. (He’s right in the middle as far as weight is concerned. We were very pleased as was our doctor.) He’s a healthy baby boy even though he’s getting most of my breast milk from a bottle. I’m still very perturbed about the whole feeding situation. But I’m so sick of talking about it, thinking about it, feeling inferior because of it, so I’m going to kill this paragraph immediately.
I have received countless emails from women over the last couple of weeks. They have all meant a great deal to me. And when I find the time, I plan on thanking everyone personally. You have no idea how much your words have meant. None. This has been and continues to be a very difficult time for me. I am talking about it with Tobyjoe; he’s aware of my sadness and checks in on me daily. I am taking care of my little one because I love him more than words can possibly say. I’m taking care of myself, although, I could stand to eat more. (Gotta find more foods I can eat with one hand, I’m afraid.)
I know that these feelings will one day end. But I want them to go away soon. I want my old self back. Perhaps once I can take Emory out, I’ll feel better. I can’t wait to take a stroll to the park with my boy. (When is that safe? I get conflicting information.)
I used to think we’d only have one child due to financial reasons, labor pains, or due to the annoyance of actually being pregnant. But in all honesty, I’m not sure I want to deal with this type of sorrow ever again. One child might just be enough for me after all.
P.S. If anyone wants to send a how to video or stop on by and teach me how in the hell to use a Moby wrap, I’d be forever grateful. I put it on with Tobyjoe’s help the other day and stuffed Emory in there and it seemed totally wrong. He seemed totally twisted and uncomfortable. And I like to worry about everything including my Moby wrapping skills.
Michele, you’re going to have another adjustment period now that your mom has gone. Allow yourself that. Great to hear Emory is doing well on the scale! That’s the most important thing. Why haven’t you brought him for walks yet? Too hot?
I have to say, how appropriate you have the word “vomit” in your blog title. I’m sharing this story with you to remind you that even us seasoned new-moms have disastrous days. I’m ill right now (have a bitch of a sinus thing going on) and Matthew is out of town. Last night I put Coop down to bed and he was especially fussy – has 2 teeth coming in and they’ve been bugging him. So, I gave him tylenol, which I’ve done countless times, but I must have gotten the angle wrong or did it too fast to trigger his gag reflex, bc he immediately vomited all over the place. Just when I thought it was done, more came out. I was soaked to my bra. So here we are, I’m sick and covered in baby vomit, Cooper’s screaming, scared and soaked, and somehow I need to quickly clean up this mess, get this boy back in bed – alone!! It’s a miracle I didn’t cry. In fact, I’m pretty darn proud of how I handled it. A few months ago – I definitely would have been a crazy mess. Your mommy confidence will come, I promise. Give yourself another couple of weeks!
I may not be able to offer you any input on the mommy front, but I’ve been around babies my whole life, I’m comfortable with them and little fazes me. If you ever need an extra set of hands, a babysitter, a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to hang out, talk, whatever, you call me. Seriously. We are not far away and I’m happy to do it.
I will start brainstorming one-handed recipes, too. ;)
Jen, yes, I would love that. Maybe we can meet up this weekend? Or next week? Yes.
Lori, your story had me loling. Really, really loling. Thank you!
Michele…go take a walk now with Emory. Seriously. I had Gage in the stroller in January at 3 weeks. He was bundled and survived and it made me feel much more sane. Emory will be just fine out and about…and you will feel better too. I found with Gage that if he was fussy, he immediately became calm when we went outside…even when it was negative 20 out. :)
Also…if the crying doesn’t subside, don’t be afraid to talk to someone about it. I cried for at least the first three weeks and then, eventually, it started to get better. And it will get better for you, too. I remember thinking that the bleeding and nightsweats would never stop..and they did. I promise. You will have your life back…it’ll just be slightly altered. But in a good way.
big hugs
Hey Mihow,
Congratulations – I have been meaning to post something since Emory’s birth, but every day I get caught up in your amazing writing and end up just sitting here in front of the computer thinking about how courageous you are. I’m not a Mom yet… and I had no idea despite having friends and a sister having babies all around me. No one else has been as wonderfully descriptive and honest about birth and dealing with a newborn as you are in these posts.
I was just hanging out in Ontario with my sister and her new baby, Violet (she was 3 weeks old when I arrived). My sister was trying to take her out every day… it’s amazing how long it takes to get the baby into the carrier and into the car, and then when she’s in there, she’s facing away from you etc., but it’s so liberating to get out and about. And the car vibrations help (as do stroller vibrations). My sister’s favourite place to go is Chapters because there are comfy chairs, tons of room for the stroller, she can breastfeed and change the baby when she needs to, and there are magazines for when you just can’t handle reading much more than a snippet at a time.
I also had a friend who disappeared for the first 6 months of her newborn, and tried to bring the baby out for a visit to her old workplace after 5 months and it was just too difficult, because the schedule was mixed up and she became to stressed. So you just have to figure out what works for you.
My best story about being with my new niece was when she barfed (okay she barfs a lot, but most of the time it was on my sister – she goes through about 6 shirts a day) when I was holding her, and I was wearing a V neck shirt and it ran right down my cleavage and pooled in my bra. And then I went to take off my bra, and it ran down into my pants.
So although I have never met you, every day I’m looking into my computer and giving you a hug… take care!!
kater, awesome story. I love barf stories.
Tomorrow it’s supposed to be brutally hot here in NYC but I think we’ll take him out on next week. Tobyjoe is taking his final weeks paternity leave (he took his first week when I had to be induced.) so we’ll take him out when TJs around. I really had no idea you could take a newborn outside. I need to get out. Once it’s cooled down a bit after this weekend, I’ll do just that. Even getting out today to the doctor and driving around Bburg was a nice thing.
You’re doing just great, sweetie. This is such an emotional time in so man ways, and your reactions reflect that. Emory is a lucky boy to have such a wonderful mom!
My son was born in late fall and I had him out and about from the get go. The day after he came home from the hospital, in fact. It was the only thing that kept me sane. I made sure that we had an outing everyday while I was home on maternity leave, except for days when it was way too cold or too snowy. I spent many an afternoon in Panera, reading the newspaper while the boy slept, just being around other people. I also became a huge fan of Nordstrom – I had never shopped there before becoming a mom, and now I’m loyal to them. They have wonderful mothers’ rooms where you can rest and nurse and have converations with other moms (if they are doing the same thing you are). There is absolutely no reason you can’t take Emory out, assuming he’s healthy. I agree that tomorrow’s heat is not the ideal day to start, but after it cools off. Go out! Take a walk, take a drive, take a break from being inside your walls. And the day my mom left after being with us for 12 days was one of the saddest days of my life. Hang in there!
Just sent you an email, sweets. ;)
http://www.mobywrap.com/instructions.php
They now have video instructions. There’s a link to download the video at the top.
I hated my Moby. I could never get the darned thing tight enough. I love wearing my guy and was so sad it wouldn’t work for me. I found the Ergo carrier to be a dream come true. Now that he’s older and much heavier I wear him on my back. He digs it. It’s much easier to use and put on and very comfortable.
My best advice for little ones and the Moby is do the whole wrap technique they show you but do it higher on your body then they show. Instead of starting at your belly as they show, make it right under your breasts. That way when you get it all set up and him in you have him up by your shoulders and he can snuggle like you’d normally hold him. And I can’t say it enough wrap it up tighter then you think it needs to be. It will stretch and feels horrible when it’s too loose. Plus there is nothing shittier then having to rewrap it all after it already took you 15 minutes to get the baby in it!!
I hope this helps a little. I have been reading your blog for awhile and just came out of hiding! You are doing what all of us first time mommies do. We all freaked out and over did everything. I would cry watching my daughter sleep bx I couldn’t understand why deserved such a beautiful baby. You know what’s best for your little man and never second guess yourself. You’ll get through it one day at a time. And lots of days one minutes at a time!! And Thank the gods when the daddy come come from work.
Good mommy vibes to you from Seattle!
I think I’m going to buy that ergo wrap. I just looked it up. Looks much easier! The moby wrap, I have to say, scares me a little bit. It just didn’t feel secure! I couldn’t imagine wearing it out of the house with him in it. It just seemed like he’d fall off of me at any given moment.
Also, I had NO IDEA about Nordstrom! That’s amazing. Good for them. There’s a place here in Bburg that has couches and coffee and wireless. I think I’ll head that way when TJ returns to work. It’s a tea house. Should be perfect for us. :]
Thank you, all. Thank you. And Ergo, here I come!
Other Moms are so nice to new moms, it is making me weepy. Granted, I am weepy a lot lately. I wish I was hip to the wearing the baby thing. Think how close their head will be for sniffing!
You are wonderful.
xo
Gaining pound since birth is awesome! You should be proud.
If it’s too hot during the day is it possible to get out in the evening? I love getting out in the evenings for a walk, we make it a family outing. I find that the babies sleep better for getting the fresh air and I sleep better too.
I hope that the weather doesn’t stay too hot for you.
why can’t you take him out? the heat? because i remember when nina came home with leni we all met at a friend’s house when she was only five days old to watch a soccer game. i think they went for a walk with her every day pretty much starting as soon as they got home from the hospital.
why shouldn’t it be “safe” ? just don’t put a lot of clothes on him and when you walk along a (busy) street hang something (a cloth or something) to kinda “cover” that roof-thing of the stroller (i don’t know what it’s called in english) so he’s protected from the pollution a bit.
the only thing he should absolutely not get is direct sunlight. other than that i think it’ll be nice for both of you to get out of the house! man how i wish i could just stop by and smooch the little one and take you out to take your mind off of being sad. i really would. stupid ocean in between…
oh and i just remembered now that when you’re outside you can check on the baby’s temperature by feeling their neck. if that’s not too hot and sweating than they’re fine. overall when you’re comfortable in the temperature he should be, too. he may need an extra “meal” or two when it’s hot but that should be about it :)
I stumbled on your blog somehow, looking for info on running I think :-)? Anyway, I just wanted to give you a big virtual hug, because the parenting thing is hard. Much harder than anyone could ever describe.
My two cents worth of advice, having battled the baby blues and breastfeeding thing…
Get out and walk. Exercise (and just getting out) really really helped. More than I thought it would. I had both my kids out within days of birth, as soon as I could get up the energy. My youngest was at the grocery store at 48 hours old. Today might not be the best day as it is so hot, but I think it is supposed to cool off by Monday.
Find a parent group with babies of similar ages. And don’t be too picky, these folks may not be your friends for life, but just having someplace to go and someone to talk to will make a huge difference.
If you are really serious about the making the breastfeeding work, camp out on a lactation consultant’s doorstep. They offered a free clinic once a week at the hospital where I delivered and they got to know me so well that they sent my son a birthday card when he turned one. Or, contact La Leche. You don’thave to be as hard core as their reputation to get a lot out of their support and meetings. If you decide to stop breastfeeding, don’t beat yourself up about it. They are too many other things to worry about. (That being said, if you can get the latch thing resolved, nursing is soooo much easier and stress free, plus you get all those hormone things I didn’t believe in that really do help with the baby blues).
Never did the Moby Wrap, I used the Baby Bijorn and New Native Baby Carrier. The BB (or some other front back) was great for walking…
Sorry to ramble. But you brought back exactly how I felt after my son was born. If only I was blogging then. Hang in there…
Huge hugs Michele.
The best advice I’ve ever heard (and it makes a lot of sense) is that when taking Emory out it’s important to remember that he’s a person too. Just because he’s new doesn’t mean he needs huge layers of clothes. Put him in what you would wear (obviously size is not the point here!!), and that should be fine. Of course the increased coverage due to sun exposure is important too.
Michele, I’ve never been a parent, but I am confident you will get the swing of this shortly. Thinking of you!
you are going through so much. your life has completely changed and yeah … it will never be the same. but that’s ok, you just adjust. do you think you can find some sort of new mother support group? you are definitely not alone. all new mothers pretty much feel this way. with your mom leaving you probably felt that “oh shit, now i have to do this all on my own!”. i felt that the second i walked out of the hospital doors and then i cried all the way home and all through the night with my son. it’s scary but it does get easier. if i lived in new york, i’d totally lend you a helping hand! blogging’s good, you’re getting support through people and yes, get some fresh air! get out! like i said look into some sort of support system, a mommy and me class of some sorts that way you can talk directly with other new moms who are dealing with the same sort of feelings. hang in there!
i had my baby in the summer too and felt trapped by the heat. some days i would try to get out really early in the morning or late at night when it wasn’t as hot. the mall was always a hit, too. but most days, i just couldn’t get my shit and the baby’s shit together to get out of the house. it was hard but it got progressively easier.
i got a hotsling and it just never worked. we ended up with the bjorn and she loved it.
oh! and i’ve had barf pool in my bra too!