Last night was a rough one. At 9 PM I started crying and couldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried. I cried all over Tucker and then Murray and I would have cried all over Pookum but she’s too grumpy right now. And then I thought about Schmitty and that was pretty much the end of that. I was sobbing. The cats have become the objects representing all my potential failures and the beings that remind me that I am unable to control everything. Tobyjoe holds me every night and says things like, “You’re just like everyone else only you’ve lost the ability to hide it. This will pass. Know that it will pass but let it out in the meantime.” He’s a saint, that one.
And right now I feel fine, rejuvenated, ready for the day, happy even. This is hard, motherhood. It’s hard letting go of being pregnant, letting go of my independence. It’s hard letting go of the past – all 33 years of it. This is the first time that my life has actually changed forever and entirely. I don’t want to go back to the way it used to be – wouldn’t trade this for the world. I have a beautiful baby boy now but I’m in mourning. It’s impossible not to be.
We watched Mythbusters last night and I started to cry because I used to watch Mythbusters every day during the third trimester. Murray and I would sit there, he’d be next to me or on my great big belly and we’d watch TV and I would bitch about being fat and immobile. I’ve been doing the, “Last week at this time” or “Last month at this time” a lot lately, which is a sure sign that I’m depressed but it’s also a sign that I’m recovering. I guess I just need a little overlap.
The good news is, I lost 23 pounds in 7 days. I have 8 more pounds to lose in order to get back down to my pre-pregnancy weight and then 10 pounds after that because I want to feel thin again. Oh, and my ankles are back.
(Excuse the sock marks. I’m still a bit parched from all this bloody pumping.)
Here is how they looked in the hospital. Sadly, I do not have a shot without my shoes and socks on. They were insanely huge. And they hurt like hell.
where is my emory? i need a photo.
Dude, my skinny ankles aren’t cute enough for you? FOR SHAME!
Ohh… Lookit dad’s comment up there, jonesing for his baby boy! So sweet. It’s wonderful that you’ve got the stoic and strong TobyJoe by your side. We’d all love to hug you right now, but it seems you’ve got the best already.
I’m dying to see the first Mumma Mihow and Emory pic, by the way.
Lots of hugs and love to you and the boys.
OK, Toby, here’s a shot of him at 8 days old. He’s so damn awesome. Snoozin’ like that.
Toby just melted my whole entire heart.
I agree, let it out. What an incredibly emotional ride being pregnant is- I can only imagine what you’re going through now. You got the hormones! :D
those are definitely bony ankles!
I love you and your blog. I always wondered about the front that we see, those pregnant women who are like ‘it’s nothin!’ and then those women who have kids and are like ‘it’s nothin!’
I just don’t fucking BUY IT. It HAS TO BE HARD. You are the first and only person I’ve ever encountered who has said anything more than “Oh, my babies are a blessing!” I know they’re precious, but I want to know, did it hurt? Was it hard? Were you scared? Did you think you’d hurt them?
I never could believe one could just pop out a young’un and be InstiMom. Nope.
<3
hang in there, mihow. kitties are always good for a snuggle and a hankie. it’s their duty, really, and part of the deal for being so spoiled. just keep on lovin’ that little man… and congratulations on the ankles!
Michele, I feel for you and TOTALLY know what you’re going through. Annie is 4 years old and I still struggle almost daily with the loss of my old self. After several days in a row being at home (I’m not working outside the house now), I become a total freak and need to be let out for a few hours to do something quiet and solitary and sometimes indulgent. I try to get several hours out of the house every couple days so I don’t totally lose my mind – but it is hard and it is never like it use to be.
We give up a lot to be parents and, in the beginning, the greatest demands are on the mothers. I don’t think I ever realized what a huge sacrifice it is to stay home with kids – especially when you’ve waited a little longer to have them. You’ve tasted your independence more than the woman who started younger.
I think you can find balance, though. Once you feel up to it, you have to schedule time away – to sit and read at a cafe or meet with friends or just walk and take pictures. It won’t be spontaneous anymore, you’ll have to work harder to keep that part of yourself, but keeping it up, even a little, is important to your personal well being!
Luckily, in the design biz you can work from home and it really is an ideal gig for a mom for the early years. That’s something positive.
Mihow, this is such a poignant (and honest) post. Thank you for sharing it with us ;-).
I would love to be concerned about you but I am too distracted by the rapid loss of weight. I dont know whether to ask you what you are doing to loose weight that fast or be insanely jealous. It took me a year to get back to normal.
Lady, keep talking and keep processing. You have friends that have been there or are going through it still. I want to meet those women who are totally blissed out 24/7 at being a mom and then ask them to share what ever they’re taking.
Rachel
Yeah, I’m pretty happy about the weight loss. That’s one good thing I have going for me. I lost another pound making it 24 pounds. But I think about 20 pounds of that was water. ;]
I am going to try and put on my favorite jeans today and then head off to Rite Aid for some pads, some more boob supplies and some diapers. Never thought going to the pharmacy could bring me so much joy!
OMG I totally forgot to share my secret weapon for sore nipples from BF – olive oil. I smelled like a salad but it was so much better than that cream they try to get you to buy plus it was EVOO so Rachael Ray approves!
Wow, if I have a day with both olive oil and cabbage, I’ll smell like Greenpoint! Or something.
Please note, Internet: Favorite (skinnier) pants do NOT fit. I repeat, pants do not yet fit. Still wearing fat pants and maternity wear.
Thanks for posting this. My Zoe turns 3 months in a few days and my husband is the only one who knows how much I am still struggling. I adore her, but it is so hard to be a mom sometimes and it can feel lonely not feeling like I can share or vent. it’s good to know others are out there.
My favorite pants still don’t fit…f*ers! I bought about ten pretty wrap dresses to wear when I go back to school in a week. Dresses are much more forgiving.
:)
Yeah, you know, I was wondering about that. It seems my body has shifted. The fat is now in a differnet place – right around my hips. I’m not sure the pants I once loved will ever fit again, actually. Well, without a lot of work. But I’m going to take this one step at a time. Working out is not my top priority at the moment. Boiling bottles is. Oh, and cleaning up poop.
P.S. Leslie, I owe you an email. That is up there as well.
You’re all the best. I can’t thank you people enough.