MY FIELD TRIP TO HELL

posted by mihow on April 6th, 2005

Two days ago, I woke up a seven year old. It was either that, or I woke up in the year 1953. I woke up with a rash. Later, I would be told I woke up with the measles. (But that bit of information doesn’t come until the end of this very long story.)

MY SYMPTOMS

I had a sore throat on Sunday. A bitty one, which gave me this tiny cough, that took place nearly every time I swallowed. It bugged me. It sucked. But I dealt with it. Sunday night, my upper arms started to show small bumps. You couldn’t see the rash, but you could feel it. But we thought nothing much of it at the time as I am allergic to everything.

On Monday, the rash had spread to my lower back. The bumps there were a little bit itchy. But it wasn’t too annoying. I thought nothing of it, still.

On Monday night, the rash was ALL OVER my torso. It had spread to my tummy as well. I began to think something of it.

On Tuesday, I felt like a leper. And so a doctor visit was in order.

MY TUESDAY

I must have called 15 doctors in our area. Either I was ignored and sent into some phone ringing cyber space, or I left messages never to be returned. Finally, some clinic in East Williamsburg said they could see me at 2. I headed over there and am still wishing that I hadn’t.

(I’ll try and give you a condensed version.) I walked into the clinic. Pregnant women surrounded me. They tossed the word �fuck� around like the cigarette butts they had just discarded outside. There were kids running up and down the hallways. There was a teenage girl wearing an all pink sweat suit. She had stepped up to the counter at the same time I had. She was probably 13 and about 100 pounds overweight. She was there for her physical, which was scheduled for 2:45. It was 1:45. My appointment was scheduled for 2. But the front desk checked her in first anyway.

I waited. Finally, it was my turn. I told the woman my name, age, address, social, etc. At no point did she ask me what was wrong with me. There was a sign behind her on the wall. It was written in all caps, like this:

IF YOU HAVE ANY OR ALL OF THE FOLLOWING PLEASE REPORT IMMEDIATELY TO THE FRONT DESK:

A COUGH.
A BLOODY STOOL.
A RASH.
TUBERCULOSES.
NIGHT SWEATS.

I told them about my rash. The woman laughed, LAUGHED AT ME, and shook her head.

No, you’re fine, honey. Sounds like you have Scarlet Fever.

Scarlet fever? Don’t kids get that? Don’t kids get that like 20 years ago?

She printed out a blue card and told me to keep it on me at all times. She handed me a folder and said that I owed her 45 dollars and I’d be billed for anything more they do while I was upstairs. (“Upstairs?” I thought? “You mean there is more to this that meets the eye?”) I gave her my credit card, signed the slip and headed upstairs.

Upstairs was SWARMING with people. There were four thugs who took it upon themselves to blast their boombox. There were babies, sick mothers, sick older people, sick younger people, sick middle-aged people and then there were people who looked perfectly healthy but who had nothing better to do and wanted some attention like Ally Sheedy’s character in The Breakfast Club. I wanted to murder the Ally Sheedy’s. There were groups of people who seemed to know each other. There were other groups there who were given lollies because “they were diabetic” (or something). There was me, and there was 2:45 Pink Sweat Suit Girl. The TV blasted a show about corns and what to do with you feet. There was a sign on the TV stand that read: “CAN’T HEAR ME? TURN ME UP!”

A kid kept running by holding an open bottle filled with some florescent colored juice. (Please note: When I have kids of my own someday they will NEVER drink juice this color. Ever.) His nose was dripping liquid snot. I imagined the sweet juice against the salty taste of his mucous and I began to gag. He kept trying to drink from the bottle and the juice kept falling onto his shirt, staining it the color of blood. I gagged a bit more. I thought to myself, “This day could go down as the worst day of my adult life.” (It did not, but I was feeling dramatic and sick at the time.)

Michele Howley?

That’s me!

I hopped up from the chair. There were about 25 people in the upstairs waiting room. How was I going in already?

I wasn’t. That was merely the check your weight, what are your symptoms, how old are you, and has anyone beaten you in the past 24 hours, a spouse, a family member, a son? part of the process. I passed and was sent back to the waiting room. Where I waited. I waited an hour. Then the natives became restless.

A nurse who magically would enter one door and then somehow appear from another one two seconds later was asked, “How long before I go?” by one of the Ally Sheedy characters.

What’s your name?

(Name said.)

And what is your name?

(Name said.) I had to get in on this.

Can you find out when I go, too?

I called Toby. I was so annoyed. The thugs kept looking at me and laughing. They spoke some version of Spanish I could not decipher. I was very annoyed with them.

On the T.V. near us, the show had turned to one about Fast Food and how it will kill you. The nurse returned from one of the doors. She was shaking her head in my direction.

You are 13th in line.

13th? Does that mean hours? Two, three? Any idea?

At least 2

I can’t stay here that long. I have to work at the bar tonight.

Oh, I’m sorry. You can go back downstairs and get your money back.

For all she knew, I had the Ebola virus and she just sent someone with a really contagious flesh-eating disease BACK onto the street to go serve the fine people of Williamsburg beer.

I left, crying tears of absolute rage. I was so angry. ALL I WANTED WAS FOR SOMEONE TO PITY ME! I wanted someone to tell me why I had a rash all over my body. I wanted to be normal again. Instead, I headed to work.

MY DATE WITH A DOCTOR

How I managed to see a doctor at 6:30 p.m. on a Tuesday while I was supposed to be bartending is too long and boring of a story to tell. (Not that the one I told thus far has been life changing.) All anyone needs to know is that I was able to see a doctor. A doctor who ran ZERO tests, but instead merely LOOKED at my rash under a super sonic microscope and a light. He checked my temperature, took my blood pressure and checked my throat and ears. His diagnosis: The Measles. I was vaccinated for the measles, like, I don’t know one maybe three times. But still, the doctor told me they have been known “to slip on by” a vaccination from time to time. My cure: Benadryl and some Calamine Lotion and lots of sleep and water.

MY END OF HELL

I was supposed to see another doctor this morning for a second opinion. I woke up feeling like I have a cold. I do still have a minor rash, but it seems to be fading. I don’t have a fever (I haven’t ever had a temperature, all of my life, I haven’t had a temperature. I even wrote about it before. It sucks being a kid who doesn’t ever have fevers, too, because school nurses fail to send kids home who don’t have temperatures, that is up until they throw up all over the gym floor during Parachute Day.)

What’s wrong with me? I still have no idea. Should I die from some flesh-eating disease, I’d like to leave mihow.com to all the Brooklyn medical clinics that are clearly in need of whatever funds I collect from my Google Ads.

Over the past 24 hours I have been asked ALL of the following at least once:

Does it hurt on one side?
Have you been near any 18 month old babies?
Are you allergic to your fabric softener?
Did you eat anything weird?
Have you eaten yogurt?
Did you ever have the chicken pox?
Are you stressed out?
Does it itch?
Does your throat hurt, like REALLY bad?
Does the light hurt your eyes?
Are you around babies a lot?
Have you eaten raw meat?
Do you have a temperature?
Have you visited Africa lately?
Are you gay? (Naw, I just threw that in to see if you’re still paying attention.)

Some of those, are a big fat YES. Others made me think, ummmm no? And why? In the end, Toby and are pretty sure that I do not have the measles. The doctor I saw did NOTHING to test for anything at all. So my diagnosis is still very much up in the air.

Today, however, I am not going to leave the house. I want to avoid people as much as possible. Yesterday, nearly sent me over the edge. (Oh sweet, Internet, please do no spill your florescent snot juice on me. Go easy on me today. I am sick, after all.)

33 Responses to “MY FIELD TRIP TO HELL”

nico Says:
April 6th, 2005 at 07:21 AM
awwwww… poor ms. measles…

I hope you don’t get the mumps too!

first in order when you are all better – find a regular doctor. please please.
mihow Says:
April 6th, 2005 at 07:25 AM
I know. I will. I must. The clinic shit has got to stop. It’s no wonder so many (often times poor) people in the country die from so many curable ailments.
Charlie Says:
April 6th, 2005 at 07:26 AM
You poor thing!! What a terrible story. I hope you feel better soon. I don’t think people realize just how screwed up our medical system is until they find themselves or someone they care about confronting it like this, and then it’s too late. I remember how relieved I felt when I was able, finally, to program the phone # for my own primary care physician into my cell phone. It’s nice to know that there is an office that can usually fit me in quickly when something is enflamed, drippy, or not functioning properly (or some combination of the three). I can’t imagine putting a sick kid through that (and being a helpless parent who was missing work to do it). Drink fluids and get plenty of rest.
mihow Says:
April 6th, 2005 at 07:32 AM
I love that Google is featuring advertisements about Scabies. ROCK ON! I have hit a new low!

Charlie, I envy you. Suburbia is where the treatment is, surely.
tobyjoe Says:
April 6th, 2005 at 07:33 AM
You don’t have the measles. You have some sort of viral infection, but it ain’t the measles. The fact that the doc didn’t run labs is just sick. Who doesn’t run labs when an adult presents with retroviral symptoms? Hacks, man…
mihow Says:
April 6th, 2005 at 07:35 AM
yes, i was just thinking that I don’t make that very clear here. I don’t have the measles, we don’t think. The guy I saw merely really needed 60 dollars in cash.
jon Says:
April 6th, 2005 at 07:47 AM
>Have you visited Africa lately?

That is the dumbest question in repsonse to a rash i have ever heard.
Charlie Says:
April 6th, 2005 at 07:54 AM
Do you want pity or can I make jokes? (i only have 90 minutes of meetings today instead of 7 hours)
mihow Says:
April 6th, 2005 at 07:56 AM
Yes, joke away! Please!
nico Says:
April 6th, 2005 at 08:01 AM
stupid hacks.

I had one of those rash viruses a couple years ago. sounds the same. It’ll go away on its own like any other bug. Although I guess it is somewhat rare because I go to a doctor in a university hospital and when I had it he had a bunch of students come in and look at me like the Elephant Man.

They key to a good city doctor is a recommendation from a current patient – ask around.
mihow Says:
April 6th, 2005 at 08:04 AM
Do you get fevers, nico? I do not. And because I really enjoy self-diagnosing myself, I keep thinking this is merely a “fever” (sans the temperature) and I’m fighting some sort of virus like others do using fevers. I have no idea what I just said. Never mind.
Lana Says:
April 6th, 2005 at 08:05 AM
And I thought my ‘walk-in’ clinic was bad… we’ve got this new TeleHealth thing in Ontario, where you call up a nurse, tell them your symptoms and they say whether you should go see a doctor. You’d think it would reduce the number of people going in to the doctor for a COLD.. but it doesn’t. Still, I’m glad it’s there.

Don’t forget the epsom salts. And stay away from babies.
Lana Says:
April 6th, 2005 at 08:05 AM
Send me an email with all your symptoms and i can give them a call tonight.
nico Says:
April 6th, 2005 at 08:10 AM
Yeah – I’m not sure what you just said either, but I’ll blame it on your “fever.”

I get them, but I don’t think your body replaces one symptom with another – if that is what you mean. Sometime viruses don’t give you fevers. dunno.
nico Says:
April 6th, 2005 at 08:13 AM
oh, if you haven’t already, don’t google pictures of measles just to see what it looks like. I just gave myself nightmares of spotty kids with black bars over their eyes and a close up of a breach birth that slipped in there somehow.
Amanda B. Says:
April 6th, 2005 at 08:15 AM
Ack! What does being around babies have to do with anything? Cause I’ve been around babies. (amanda checks self for scabies)

I’m sorry you are sick darlin. Feel better soon.
Owen Says:
April 6th, 2005 at 08:50 AM
poop splatter?
mihow Says:
April 6th, 2005 at 08:51 AM
Thank god I don’t have any of that!
robyn Says:
April 6th, 2005 at 08:58 AM
feel better soon! It’s always terrible to feel sick, no matter what the ailment might be.
Charlie Says:
April 6th, 2005 at 08:58 AM
How is your throat doing? I just hope it isn’t scarlet fever (which is strep). Left untreated you can get rheumatic fever, and that just plain sucks. I used to indulge the most extravagant hypochondriac fantasies. Let me know if you need any more!!
mihow Says:
April 6th, 2005 at 09:03 AM
My throat no longer hurts at all. now, I just can’t stop sneezing. I sneeze like 15 times an hour and usually they come in intervals where I just stand there and sneeze. I think that little dirty juice drinking varmint gave me something.
Charlie Says:
April 6th, 2005 at 09:38 AM
Of course, if that diry varmint were a junkie you’d have more sympathy for him. Or have we gotten past that?
mihow Says:
April 6th, 2005 at 09:40 AM
Oh, totally. But if the junkie gets me sick, he’ll have hell to pay. For sure. It’s like NIMBY only the “backyard” starts in or around my bodyline. NNMBY (Not Near My Body, Yo)
Chris Says:
April 6th, 2005 at 09:44 AM
Michele, I hope you feel better very soon!
mihow Says:
April 6th, 2005 at 11:10 AM
I am starting to believe that this is all due to allergies. I’m convinced. Now, I must find out what I am having this reaction to and why it’s so bad this week. (This was an aside)
eco2geek Says:
April 6th, 2005 at 01:03 PM
Boy, that sucks. Hope you get all better soon. (Makes me thankful I have good health care coverage and a primary care physician I can usually see the same day if there’s something serious. Sucky job; good health care. Tradeoffs.)

There might be benefits to being a leper. For example, if you were at a poker game, you could throw in your hand. Or, if you were in a hockey game, you could have a face-off in the corner!

(Now that I’m permanently banned from this site… :-)
mihow Says:
April 6th, 2005 at 01:09 PM
Getting banned from this site is nearly impossible. You’re doing just fine. ::writes down IP address::
ginar Says:
April 6th, 2005 at 04:02 PM
It sounds like an allergy to me, with the sneezing and all. I went to a fine little walk-in clinic in Greenpoint once or twice. Right there on Manhattan Ave. The doctor I saw was good and patient and had an accupuncture chart on the wall next to his army medic accolades. Have you ever tried this place? Although I did go there once with some violent form of a stomach virus and was asked if i had been to Mexico recently…
ginar Says:
April 6th, 2005 at 04:05 PM
PS: i love the topical nature of your Google ads. Well done!
mihow Says:
April 6th, 2005 at 05:52 PM
Gina, you’ve been to the Greenpoint place? I think next time I will just go there instead. What a nightmare. (Side note: Have mitch pop on AIM tomorrow. PLEASE. I am the worst friend ever. I’ll email him, too.)
sharbean Says:
April 6th, 2005 at 07:49 PM
I hope you start feeling better soon – and I’m with Lana, I thought my clinic was bad. Now I feel like a whiny bitch for every moment I complained.

Here are some questions you should have been asked by the doctor:

Have you eaten anything new recently? Specifically on Sunday when the sore throat happened.

Was there anything in your throat like white spots?

How are/were the glands in your neck? Arm pits?

Was there any swelling of your tongue, lips, around your eyes?

The symptoms you are having sound like an allergic reaction to me… it could be something related to red wine too (or that you eat whenever you have red wine—because I believe you had a similar reaction before).

If you want to find out what you are allergic to there are food lists / diets you can follow that introduce a new food every few days. When you get to the one you have problems with you will have a reaction. Or, you could just keep a food diary and write down what you eat and then how you felt for the next few days.

I have to do that with the baby when she starts eating solids – so we can weed out any allergies.
LadyBug Says:
April 7th, 2005 at 07:07 AM
Awww, poor mihow. What a horrible, horrible day.

Every time my asthmatic daughter sees her pulmonologist, the (very sweet, but paid to ask X number of questions) asks, “Has she been exposed to tuberculosis?”

And, EVERY TIME, I say…”Umm…not that I KNOW of…”

Finally, last time, I said, “How would I KNOW that, anyway? Do people with TB walk around with signs on their chests, or do they shout ‘I have tuberculosis!’ wherever they go?”
mihow Says:
April 7th, 2005 at 07:08 AM
ladybug, you said EXACTLY what I was thinking when I read that stupid sign. how stupid is that? I totally agree with you. I was thinking, isn’t that why I am here? So you can TELL me what’s wrong with me? hahha

Sorry, comments are closed for this article.

mihow

MY FIELD TRIP TO HELL

posted by mihow on April 6th, 2005

33 Responses to “MY FIELD TRIP TO HELL”

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