Nine-O Forever.

posted by mihow on April 11th, 2005

In the movie The Indian Runner the character played by Sean Penn has his girlfriend (Patricia Arquette) hang upside down against a wall for a rather lengthy amount of time. Initially, she has no idea why he’s demanded that she do this. And all the while she’s hanging there, her feet hovering above her head, he smokes cigarette after cigarette, watching. After some time passes, he calmly explains to her that they are now man and wife.

In the movie, Secretary Lee Holloway (Maggie Gyllenhaal) sits at a desk for days in a wedding dress trying to prove her commitment to E. Edward Grey (James Spader). Eventually, he comes to collect her and the two are married.

I find some of these rites of passage romantic. I know the few I mentioned above are fantasy and I realize some might find it all a bit silly. Hell, I find the Electric Slide a little silly—to each their own. But for whatever reason, I find these original acts of proving one’s dedication to another romantic. If someone wants to get their husband’s name tattooed on their arm, so be it. A tattoo can be removed or altered. Sometimes, I think it’s kind of cute. If someone wishes to pierce their gonads as a sign of of true love, again, do whatever you want with your balls, anything done down there is reversible. But there are some (moronic) lines even I feel shouldn’t be crossed.

Yesterday, someone sent me an interview with Calvin and Gillian about their alleged bizzarre wedding ritual. (PLEASE NOTE: DO NOT CLICK that link if you are easily disgusted.) I believed it at first, I think because I wanted to feel irritated. After all, what’s a week spent on the internet without spending at least one hour feeling irritated. Now, I’m beginning to think that it’s merely an act of publicity for this online ‘zine or whatever it is. (I spent no time investigating this, which is why I initially wasn’t going to link to it. If it is a publicity stunt, I have done my part in helping them. And I loathe feeling baited.) Either way, these two allegedly tied, and then slowly bit one another’s ring finger off as a way of saying, “Hey, I really love you.” (Which I think works just fine).

Tell me, what does one do in 10 years should they want their finger back? These two aren’t intriguing or romantic at all, unless, of course, you consider high levels of stupidity romantic. I kind of feel sorry for them, should they want my pity at all. Has our generation learned nothing from Mr. Depp?

24 Responses to “Nine-O Forever.”

  1. LadyBug Says:
    April 12th, 2005 at 06:15 AM

    Oh, mihow. I got a little sick, reading that. Seriously. I’m sitting at my desk, at work, trying to decide if I’ll have to run to the bathroom and hurl. Blech.

    Nothing romantic about that. No, not at all. That’s just….well, SICK is the only word I can come up with.

  2. mihow Says:
    April 12th, 2005 at 06:17 AM

    I’m sorry, Ladybug. This is why I feel badly for even linking to it. I am truly sorry for perpetuating this tale. Perhaps I will think better of it and take it down. :/ I’ll see what direction the comments take, should they take.

  3. mihow Says:
    April 12th, 2005 at 06:23 AM

    If it makes you feel any better, I am still thinking this is a publicity stunt. Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear (or read). :]

  4. lrob Says:
    April 12th, 2005 at 06:30 AM

    OMG that is so disgusting. I would hope that it’s a publicity stunt and if it isn’t then I hope that they are never able to procreate because people like that shouldn’t be raising children.

    I knew a guy once who had his wife’s name tattoed in script around his ring finger. That seems like a much nicer route to take when it comes to proving devotion.

  5. mihow Says:
    April 12th, 2005 at 06:38 AM

    yeah, too bad they didn’t have their ovaries and testes snipped instead.

  6. BSmith Says:
    April 12th, 2005 at 06:49 AM

    Seriously what the fuck is wrong with people these days? I saw this one last night http://www.sundancechannel.com/popup/index.php?ixFilmID=3956 (People seriously castrated themselves by choice!!!)

    I have always seen myself as a live and let live type of person, but your link and this documentary prove that there are some really fucking loopy people out there.

  7. tobyjoe Says:
    April 12th, 2005 at 07:24 AM

    I really thought this was going to be a post about how Tucker keeps Pookum on the bed and won’t let her off.

  8. MB Says:
    April 12th, 2005 at 07:30 AM

    I thought Secretary was strangely romantic, too. Of course, this other stuff is beyond the pale.

  9. mihow Says:
    April 12th, 2005 at 07:38 AM

    Tobyjoe, I wish that’s what it was about. I am regretting this one, I am. :/

  10. Amanda B. Says:
    April 12th, 2005 at 07:55 AM

    Ack. Ack. Ummmm. Eeeeeep.

  11. Amanda B. Says:
    April 12th, 2005 at 08:06 AM

    Ok, I forced myself to follow the link, and I think you are right. It seems like publicity seeking to me.

    And again, Ackackackack.

  12. mihow Says:
    April 12th, 2005 at 08:07 AM

    That’s almost equally as pathetic. But not quite. Close, but not quite.

  13. momhow Says:
    April 12th, 2005 at 09:55 AM

    Didn’t follow the link, because if you didn’t like it; I certainly won’t. But I wonder…..remember the Wendy chili disaster a few weeks ago.

  14. mihow Says:
    April 12th, 2005 at 09:57 AM

    Yes! That was gross, too. This couple is keeping their severed fingers and they’re going to make necklaces with them. Awwwwww. *kicks air

  15. Ern Says:
    April 12th, 2005 at 10:01 AM

    It’s pretty gross! But I wouldn’t be surprised if it was real, with it being a body modification ezine. People do some weird shit to their body. Have you heard of scarification? It’s like a tattoo, but they carve the image into your skin with a knife to make a scar of it.

  16. Davin Says:
    April 12th, 2005 at 11:49 AM

    I’m pretty sure that’s real. I know Shannon Larratt casually through friends and I’ve heard of much (much) more extreme procedures that some people choose for themselves.

  17. Melanie Says:
    April 12th, 2005 at 01:22 PM

    I totally thought it was real until I delved a bit deeper. I work with Ryan in this other story ( http://www.bmezine.com/news/people/A10101/addsub/ ) and KNOW he has no third arm!

    O’ and if you look at the dates they were both posted on April 1st. Thank goodness!

  18. bethany Says:
    April 12th, 2005 at 01:57 PM

    This freaked me out so much I had to confirm it was an April Fool’s joke… if you scroll down to the bottom of the guy’s personal page (http://iam.bmezine.com/?Rookie ), he owns up. Phew.

  19. AyEnDeeAreEeAyAitch Says:
    April 12th, 2005 at 02:22 PM

    So it is or isn’t a joke? God, let’s ope it is because seriously there is a little vomit hiding out in my throat. Nastay!

    I promised my husband a little anal sex for the first time on our 30th anniversary. Only 25 more years to go. That right there is love people, not finger chopping.

  20. Amanda B. Says:
    April 12th, 2005 at 05:23 PM

    Wait a darn minute. Mihow, did you just April Fool’s us AGAIN??

  21. aibee Says:
    April 12th, 2005 at 05:26 PM

    what disturbs me most is that they’re procreating. Oy.

  22. mihow Says:
    April 12th, 2005 at 07:45 PM

    Ok, so I am gathering this is indeed an April Fool’s Joke. In that case, I LOVE IT!!!

  23. mihow Says:
    April 13th, 2005 at 05:02 AM

    Amanda! I didn’t April Fool’s you! I promise, i thought it was real, too. But apparently it is indeed a joke. A damn good one, I might add. Much better than this trick some gal played on the Internet where she told everyone her and her transient hubby were moving to Los Angeles.

  24. Amanda B. Says:
    April 13th, 2005 at 09:02 AM

    Heeheehee. It was a good one, for sure. Very skirry. Those guys need a good Pooka-ing!

Sorry, comments are closed for this article.