Talk. There is a lot of talk. And you expect the worse because you’ve seen a worse. This one will be violent. Very violent. There could be much destruction, best to be home on Friday – when they’re here. (Here). I just finished an excellent book called “Among the Thugs” by Bill Buford. The book covers the football violence in England during the late 70s and into the late 80s. Buford spent years following these young, English men in search of the answer to Why? He writes about the dynamics of the crowd – how the crowd becomes an “It” how it becomes anything but “Us”. The book was amazing, and while I could go on for pages about how I felt about its contents and ideas, that’s not really what this is about. But it does have me thinking about today.

I have heard a number of sirens this morning. Pennsylvania avenue is shut down. My office overlooks a sidestreet parallel to Pennsylvania, a block away from the “action”. There are cops outside in riot gear, they’re in vans, on bikes, on motorcycles and on street corners. They have issued tickets to visitors drinking on the metro (ha ha ha! Do your research, kittens). We’re about 20 steps from the FBI building, and that’s a site to see. It’s dripping with a police force. They’re oozing out everywhere, like cleavage on a large breasted woman, they spill out onto the street and I can’t help but side-stare at them. I can’t help but wonder.

Oddly, I have yet to see any protestors. I have heard they are north, like a storm coming in, we’re told by media forecasters, They’re right up there, they’re on their way, watch out for them. Don’t get in their way.” Impending doom, I have yet to see. Which pretty much sums up my entire year. Impending doom.

(Maybe they’re all shopping. Maybe they’re at the Gap. Maybe their Nike shoes are too wet from the rain and they’ve called it a day).

I’m a fearful cynic.

I was living here years ago when the IMF protesters were here. We were literally locked in our building for several hours as they sat below fighting with the police. It was silly. What had we done? We were lowly Graphic Designers who were trying to pay our high rents and bills and college tuition loans back. But I have been told that is their point—to shut it down for the day. The city. They did. It worked.

We’ll see what happens this time around. I can see it from my window and outside on the street I can hear all the noise. A bit later, if it’s safe to leave, I’ll snap some pictures of it all.

I feel like poo. I do. Poo. This is why one should say “no” to wine. It’s 7:30 a.m. and we’re on our way to coffee. I can’t think. My phone is dead and I want to call Toby. I want my bed. I want to rest. My tummy hurts. Apparently, I’m falling apart. :) Off to metro. Later.

When technologly fights back. My phone is dead, dead, dead. As in, it won’t turn on. And it’s not the battery, well it is the battery but it’s not dead. I think it’s just old and tired. Who knows. But this totally sucks as I know NO ONE’S phone number. So, Ryan and Rob, if you’re out there could you please email me your numbers again? Actually, hell, everyone send me your phone numbers. Yes, everyone.

Yesterday. My day. Woke up at 6:45 a.m. Waited for Rob to drive my lame butt to the metro station. Got on the Blue line around 7:50 rode to King Street, hopped on the Yellow line. Got to work about 8:30, coffee and bagel in hand. Worked till about 5:00 p.m. At 5:00 p.m. I walked to the Gallery Place/China Town Red line a few blocks north. I got on the Red line and rode it to Farragut North. Got off at Farragut North and walked several blocks to Vermont and L where I freelanced till 10:30 p.m. At 10:30 p.m. I walked to McPherson Square and hopped on the Blue line towards Springfield. Got off there around 11:00 p.m. and hopped in a cab. Took the cab to my brother’s place, promptly showered, and fell into a deep sleep. I woke up today with an odd chest cold thing in the making. It’s tight and it hurts and it’s dry. I have a bunch of mosquito bites as well, I think I have West Nile. ;)

Well, here I am. South. Holy crap! I think I’m in shock. Then again, maybe that’s just something one says when they’re not sure they freaked out enough. Who knows. Yesterday was sort of crazy, went through a lot of “training stuff” learned how to remove money from my paycheck by way of 401K, and hopped around the downtown learning the new kick-abouts. Seems decent. The area. I can see the capital on the street below. It’s green. It’s very green. (The land not the capital). Seems enjoyable. It will even be more enjoyable once I get my Tobyjoe down here and my bike. Speaking of which, anyone want to help us move on Saturday? And also, I need a catsitter for two weeks. :) I’ll write more when I learn how to use my PC. I have a mac, but it’s not hooked up to the INTERNET and so it’s the PC for me indeed. Yes, and now I know why I don’t really enjoy this side of computing, no offense to the PC users of the world. yawn (Missy? Tomorrow?).

I’ve been known as a fruit from time to time. I’ll wonder about and toy with and tickle all the oddities life casually sneaks to us, those weird circumstantial roads one ends up going down where everything (once you’re there) seems almost too planned, as if it was or is meant to be. I can play with this idea. I do it every day. It keeps a bit of hope inside me. The me who, as of late, has been somewhat troubled. I’ll suspend all my cynicism just to take a gleeful glimpse into something that might appear horrific and confusing. I’ll do it just to avoid how ugly life is at times. And perhaps it’s all just a way to make nothing seem more attractive, to give nothing some meaning. And perhaps we make it up to make this life a little more enjoyable and “necessary”.

I can buy all of these little things, these indefinable things that just are, and I play with them like intriguing, new toys.

There’s this concept of the unconscious, and up until I met Toby, I did not pay it much mind. I just filed it under the “something I studied in college and can forget about it” folder in my head. (Ironic, isn’t it?)

Friday, I left work early. I left at 4. I did not have approval to do so, but sitting behind my computer much longer would have surely brought me to tears. So I left. I gathered my bags and my headphones and a CD and wandered out onto the sidewalk. I thought about grabbing my metro card and hopping on a subway, uptown, to sit in the park. But instead, I began walking. There was no thought, I just walked. I headed downtown. I headed south. I headed towards the water.

I watched the streets move by me. It was sort of sad. I watched the people on Broadway head north, I was undertow, fight flow towards the not known (in my head). It was too late to hop on a subway. I was headed south. There were less and less shoppers. There were less and less storefront displays. There were less deli places and food stands and men selling weenies and pretzels and 3-dollar bottles of water.

I was headed towards the WTC. (Again).

I hadn’t thought about doing this. And I’m not saying I needed it. I’m not saying that I sought out to understand and grasp that day or any day or anything within me while I was at work. None of this crossed my mind.

(Could I have sought this trip out, even before I left my office? Could I have unconsciously wanted [needed] to see the site of my most unsettled memory before I left New York City? Before outsiders show up and trample on it on the anniversary of its destruction? Maybe this was planned. Maybe I planned this.)

I don’t know why I was there. To be honest, I feel rude being there. I have felt this way since it happened. I stood aside and watched people wander around the gates and watch the workers file from behind the green screen. I just sat back and watched, emotions, jerking my head around. Unsettled fears about that day and leaving New York sat next to me. Loneliness.

The area down there is sad. It’s in need of a home. It’s like a battered animal at a shelter. It needs a hug and a snug and a person to take it home and pay them some mind and mind it some pets and just let it sit on a pillow to get older and wiser. It needs to regain its strength. It needs to sleep.

I kept walking until I hit water. I sat on the edge of the river and watched the water bubble and kiss the tongue-like tip of lower Manhattan. And it spit its ferry boats to and from New Jersey and Staten Island letting everyone know every minute that it was still there, troubled, but still there. I watched the blimp pass overhead, I watched the men try and sell ugly, gold chains, watches and cheap sunglasses. I listened. I listened to the helicopter, the guy on the phone, to toot of the boat’s horn and the water lap up against the city’s lower lip. I do love this city. I really do. I always have. I always will.

Friday turned out to be an entire day of therapy. I can’t say that I feel better about everything, but I can say I understand that I don’t understand and I may not for a long while. I may never. I do know that I love the people I love and that I can’t always plan for things to make sense or walk towards them and know what they will look like once I get there. And I’m not sure what the future holds for me or it or here or there. And I’m not sure I won’t be back.

Sometimes I personify this city. And lately, part of my turmoil is thinking that I may actually be turning my back on it, leaving it in a shelter for someone else to try and love. I don’t know. But for now, I have to figure out that I’m not as angry as I have been and that I can relax again.

Images taken while I walked.

one poo, two poo, three poo

Mes203: my agency has more bathrooms than they need (building was built-though since remodeled-before desegregation) and yet when I have to do #2, there’s ALWAYS someone in the women’s room. Why are you dawdling in there people? I refuse to go #2 if someone else is around. I turn around & walk out.

mih0w: hahaha

mih0w: and wait?

mih0w: for what?

mih0w: for empty?

Mes203: Yep.

mih0w: what if someone comes in mid poo?

mih0w: do you stop?

mih0w: and wait

Mes203: well, that I can’t control

mih0w: haha

Mes203: heh

mih0w: indeed

mih0w: that sucks

Mes203: Pet peeve #2 (hah) is when someone comes in & uses the stall immediately nest to mine when there are several available

mih0w: haha

Because I’m really mature and I’ve taken my mihow time and moved it to AIM. ...................................

mih0w: ha ha! MAN ASS?

mih0w: oh dear

mih0w: that’s gross

freakgirldotcom: i knew you’d like that

freakgirldotcom: the ick thing about working in a really small office is that you always know who took the smelly poo

freakgirldotcom: ha ha

mih0w: oh dear

mih0w: toby used to work for nerve

freakgirldotcom: indeed

mih0w: and because

mih0w: they had two single bathrroms

mih0w: right off the floor

mih0w: and some folks were stinkin up the place really bad

mih0w: so they made one bathrrom a number 2

mih0w: and the other a number 1

mih0w: fuck that

freakgirldotcom: OH MAN

mih0w: yeah

freakgirldotcom: that is so gross

mih0w: i know

mih0w: how can anyone

mih0w: do there busines

mih0w: when they know

mih0w: everyone out there konws

mih0w: that’s what they’re doing?

freakgirldotcom: we have one women’s toilet and one men’s

freakgirldotcom: but the men’s has a urinal across from the toilet, so if for some reason a girl has to use the men’s room, you end up sitting on the toliet with a big urinal in your face

mih0w: not I. my cat can’t poo in front of me… there’s a reason for that

freakgirldotcom: you know what’s REALLY gross…

mih0w: ugh!

mih0w: ewwww

mih0w: what?

freakgirldotcom: one of my bosses takes his cellphone in the bathroom with him

mih0w: NO!!!!!!

mih0w: WHY

freakgirldotcom: I KNOW, RIGHT?

freakgirldotcom: how SICK IS THAT

mih0w: sick for the person

mih0w: he’s talking to

mih0w: and the phone

mih0w: and the folks who use it

freakgirldotcom: gives me the willies i tell ya

mih0w: the phone that is

mih0w: yeah

freakgirldotcom: one of the AmEx guys in this bldg does it too

mih0w: what the hell

mih0w: dumb butt

freakgirldotcom: dumb butt

.................................. Poo, take two

mih0w: I called my dad the other day

mih0w: on a saturday

mih0w: and he was supposed to be on the boat

freakgirldotcom: uh huh

mih0w: and so I said

mih0w: when he answered his phone

mih0w: “where are you

mih0w: thinking maybe

mih0w: I should let him go

mih0w: if he was fishing

mih0w: and he says, “YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW!

freakgirldotcom: HAR!

mih0w: and I said, “YOU’RE SHITTING?! AREN’T YOU!

mih0w: and he says yes

mih0w: and i said, “WHY DID YOU answer?!

mih0w: and got off the phone

freakgirldotcom: i’m crying

mih0w: right away

freakgirldotcom: good

In the next few weeks, I will have a lot to do. I am going to take a break from here for a while. It’s becoming sort of repetitious and that’s annoying. I’m going to peruse and rant on Freakgirl, listenmissy and other websites instead (for a while). Who knows, I might have something to say soon but for now I will focus on moving and work.

::yawn::

Time for a rest. YAYA!

With October 11th descending upon us, Toby and I are trying to figure out what to do to remember the year. We’re thinking about not speaking to one another for the entire day. We were thinking it might be nice to spend money every minute of the day and just have the time of our lives. We were thinking of laying out hundreds of photographs from the year and staring at them until they stop mattering. It would be great to have Justin come and sing, just for us. (If, of course, he’ll sing something by “Parallel Together” by Ted Leo). What should we do to remember 10/11? Should we fly to Vegas for dinner? Should we force everyone to remember with us? Our way?

Really, it’s just a date. It marks a year. I’m sort of hoping we have more of them. Is that enough?

Sexy man! Sexy man. Go Kelly, you little, dirty girl. Yeah. And that’s all I have to say about American Idol. Oh, and that song, the one they wrote for it, sucks. That’s all there is to it. It sucks. Last night we talked to James. Still waiting to find out what happens in the next few weeks. I don’t really want to think about it, but I must. Oh well, I will wait to later. (Put it off. Put it off). I don’t have much to say, as usual. I am leaving very soon. Kinda freaky. Living out of a suitcase for a while. We’ll see. And I still have my job here. YAYA! I mean, they have no desire to walk me out without pay. So that’s nice. You just never know. Never know.

Deep thoughts by mihow

Have you ever had every buddy signed on at once on AIM? hmmmmmmm

Have I mentioned that I am addicted to the Sopranos? Holy cow what a great friggin show. I can’t wait till the new season starts. It’s funny how one show can make you buy cable. (Do you buy cable? Do you rent it? I’m not sure). When we head south, I plan on getting cable. I think Carmella is the shit. What an amazing actress. It’s the first show since Sesame Street that I have to remind myself that they characters are indeed fake. Anyhow…

Last night we watched the 3rd season, disc two. Occasionally I would flip it to Fox to see how Kelly and Justin were doing. I was bored. I dunno. Those damn I-wanna-sex-you-up love songs, how lame. I don’t even really know who’s going to win, and at this point, just end already.

I think my boss knows. Either that, or he’s just avoiding me. I haven’t seen him in days. There have been manager meetings for hours on end and they all disappear for about 5 hours. Last night, I finally left him a message saying I needed to talk to him. We’ll see. We’ll see. I want this to be over with. He just showed…

This has to be a joke. (Thanks TobyJoe for the link).

Images from this weekend. Not many.

Not much to report here. All weekend we watched movies. We’re on season 3 of the Sopranos. His therapist was just raped and Christopher was just made. I tried to get the next one but it turns out some other person in Greenpoint is at the same point in the series. So we opted for The Color of Money and Walking and Talking instead. I saw Blue Crush on Friday and, you can laugh at me for it, but I enjoyed it. I did. We also tried to watch Lord of the Rings. I couldn’t do it. What is it about me that makes science fiction—fantasy crap so damn boring? I found myself thinking about everything but the actual movie. We gonged it after about an hour. Other than that, not much to report. It rained all weekend long. I enjoyed it. I’m like that. I went out for a drink with Danielle on Sunday evening. We caught up. I like Danielle, I always have, but it seems, every time I go out and chat with people, I end up feeling very lonely afterwards. It’s odd. Anyhow, time to archive.